Stroll down the NFL Boulevard
Week 5
Here we are again week 5 of the NFL. While we check the landscape around us we see that there are 4 teams off this week, The Lions, the Cowgirls, the Yuccaneers, and oh yeah, we are going to just not suck this week as the Raiders are off as well. Now that those teams are out of the way let’s get started, Expo can you kick it please?
First up we head to a vaunted battle of Cardinals. These two teams are going to fight to the death to make the other one take the name of the Cardinals. As Ari-freaking-zona came most of the way across the country the St Louis Rams geared up for a fight. They geared up so much that Slingin Sammy Bradford was 7 for 21 for 141 yards. Wow is that geared up or what? What was he geared up on? Steven Jackson showed that he may be better riding on an elevator than running with the ball as he had 18 carries for 76 yards. Holy cow the Ewes had almost 245 yards in total offense. What a night of football, well at least the Cardinals were undefeated.
Final Score the Cardinals 3 the Ewes 17. Oh well the Cardinals will stay the Cardinals, and the Ewes? Well they will still be the Ewes.
Poor, poor Cleveland, not only do they have to call Cleveland home, but they have to play in the New Jersey this week. Ellie pulled out all the stops this week as he went up against the Brownstains. Passing for 259 yards, and rushing for a stellar -1 yard. Although he doesn’t need to rush the ball, Bradshaw took care of all of that. Cleveland just couldn’t get out of their own way this week just like the last few weeks. But like sand in the hour glass so goes the days of their Sunday’s.
Final score the Brownstains 27 the Giants 41. Nothing real funny about this one, just sad…
Up next we head to Cincinnati home of the Bungels. So in a fight, who would win a dolphin or a tiger? It looks like neither one wanted to win this one. In this world of crazy television this probably had to be the crappiest game on CBS. How could a game that produced 16 and half first downs per team, 288 and half yards per team, and 2 and half turnovers per team. The real odd thing about this game is that when you average it out both teams were even in time of possession.
Final Score the Dolphins 17 the Bungels 13. This game should have ended in a tie except that the score was 17 to 13.
An odd thing happened in Indianapolis on the way to the end of the game. Aaron Rogers had to stop and get discount double check insurance update by some lizard. That was all the Luck that the Dolts needed to sneak past the Packers. Rogers did have 5 sacks so that is not bad we guess.
Final Score the Packers 27 the Dolts 30. Discount double check!!!!
Next the battle of the Keystone state was loud and proud on Sunday as the Beagles traveled across the state for a battle with the Pittsburg Steelers. Apparently it was a long journey as the Beagles didn’t make it till after halftime. Then they went right to work scoring on 2 of their 3 possessions in the second half. But for some crazy reason 14 points is not enough to win when the other team scores 16.
Final score the Beagles 14 the Steelers 16. Again there shouldn’t have been a winner in this one.
Atlanta traveled to Washington to see the Wizard. Between the Third and fourth quarters, Matt Ryan was seen on the sidelines clicking his heels together and mumbling, “There is no place like home. There is no place like home”. When the Falldowns got to see the Wizard they were very disappointed; he didn’t give them a brain, courage or a heart. But he did give them a win.
Final score the Falldowns 24 the Deadskins 17. And you thought I was going to talk about taxes right?
Next up the Baltimore Ravens traveled to Kansas City for some Bar-B-Que. Is there anything better than Kansas City Bar-B-Que? This turned into a field goal Kicking contest. We guess that the ball was too slippery from the sauce. It was terrible. If we would have wanted to watch a field goal kicking contest we would have watched Soccer. Yuck
Final Score the Raven 9 the Chefs 6. The score could have been 3 to 2. Or we sucked to you sucked just a little more.
Up next Da Bears wandered to a new forest and found Blain Gabbert and the Jacksonville Jaguars. His game was offensive to football fans around the country. Da Bears stole the Jaguars Pik-a-nic basket 3 times this week, with 3 more turnovers. After the game Jacksonville head coach Mike Mularkey was asked what could you have done better today to put up more of fight? “Well in a game like football, you have to put up a fight, if not you are eaten by the bear and end up being bear scat. Do you know what I mean girlie?” To which the female reporter said “Hey coach may I ask you a follow up?” She lifted he skirt and pointed to the crotch of her pink silky panties “Does this look like a bear?”
Final Score da Bears 41 the Jaguars 3. Hello this Weeks Birth canal Team of the week. Your Jacksonville Jaguars they aren’t our’s for sure.
If this week proves anything it is that Cam “the Fig” Newton can’t win a game by himself. Of the 190 yards that the Panhandlers had, he accounted for 150. They need a little more help maybe the draft will help, but that is several months away. The Shehawks came to Carolina wanting to prove that they could win on the road. Well playing the Panhandlers will almost always get you a win.
Final Score the Shehawks 16 the Panhandlers 13. Terrible terrible terrible…
We are going to go to the home of the 49ers. A long time ago, a great running back signed with the 49ers. He was a great Buffalo Bill. He made the Bills a household name. He Made Reggie Mackenzie a house hold name. Later in life he made Judge Lance Ito a household name, he also made White Bronco’s famous. This week the 49ers tried to distance themselves from the Bills, it looks like they had a knife and were about to slice up… oh wait we can’t say that can we?
Final Score the Bills 3 the 49ers 45. If it don’t fit you must acquit…
Next up a battle of utmost importance, as the new white Bronco took the field in New England. But it was the same story. Peyton Manning arrived and Tom Brady beat him again. For some reason Brady has this power over Peyton, that he can’t seem to do with Ellie Peyton’s little sister, sorry we mean brother. After the game Peyton was taking questions from the group of reporters when a tall slender man with a smart fedora slowly raised his hand and asked if he enjoyed last year? Peyton replied, “Not playing? No it was not fun” Not fun at all.” The man knowingly nodded his head and turned and left the room.
Final score the Bronco’s 21 the Patriots 31. Peyton found a small package in his locker while undressing.
Holy crap would you look around and see. The Viqueens are 4 and 1. Do you know what that means? The Freaking Viqueens are winning games in the NFL. This week Tennessee came calling and they were bludgeoned into submission. Do you know how we know? Because they put a dead guy on the field. Rusty “the Nail” Smith actually dropped back 5 times and tossed the ball we thought he was dead.
Final Score the Titans 7 the Viqueens 30. You have got to be kidding us??? Rusty “the Nail” Smith???
And the last game on Sunday we traveled to the ninth ward and found Drew Brees breaking another record. This record meant nothing to anyone but him and he wanted everyone to show up for it. He invited Sean Peyton, and other suspended coaches to watch him play. There were other’s invited like Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro, Sharon Stone, and Don Rickles. But the Reunion of Casino didn’t happen as no one showed up. But, the Aints win, in spite of no support.
Final Score the Chargers 24 the Aints 31. It just kills us to say this, but the Aints win…
Lastly on Monday the most exciting thing happened. No, TIM TEABOW didn’t play. Well he did get 7 snaps, Okay how does this happen? This is why the Quarterback rating is stupid. How does someone drop back and throw the ball down the field to a receiver that quite frankly is a dog, because he had 4 feet and no hands, and he drops the ball for an incompletion. We see incompletions all the time, drop passes even. But what we don’t see is how a line of 0 for 1 for no yards, with no sacks, and 0 interceptions gives you a 39.6 quarterback rating. That is like in grade school you don’t turn in your homework and you get a 50%??!!?? What the F? How do you do nothing and get something? I know it was TIM TEABOW but Damn.
Final Score the Texans 23 the J E T S 17. Oh yea the Texans won the game.
Well that will just about do it for us this week. Maybe next week we will have a little better games to talk about, until then we hope that you like this as much as we like putting this together…
And remember like we always say…
Wha, yeah!
C'mon, yeah
Yeah, c'mon, yeah
Yeah, c'mon
Oh, yeah, ma
Yeah, I'm a back door man
I'm a back door man
The men don't know
But the little girl understand
Hey, all you people that tryin' to sleep
I'm out to make it with my midnight dream, yeah
'Cause I'm a back door man
The men don't know
But the little girls understand
All right, yeah
You men eat your dinner
Eat your pork and beans
I eat more chicken
Than any man ever seen, yeah, yeah
I'm a back door man, wha
The men don't know
But the little girls understand
Well, I'm a back door man
I'm a back door man
Whoa, baby, I'm a back door man
The men don't know
But the little girls understand
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