Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 1 2016

 

         

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard

Week 1 2016

              Well it is that time again football fans. A New season is upon us and the stories abound from every direction. Up down and each side we are pulled and tugged for our attention, but this weekend, Grandparents weekend, it is time to play with the grandkids, bake some cookies, dress in an odd costume and make lots of merriment. So lets spin around and introduce the players this year, there is Jimmy the Intern, he gets coffee, and snacks for the staff and other tasks, Gloria, the staff reporter who is writing the copy, and of course Last but not least, Expo, the one in my ear, reminding me to stay on time. But his most important Job is to Kick it each and every week. This is more staff than we have had in while, a bigger budget, allows us to hopefully bring you more of what you come here for. So Expo if you will…

 

                First up on Thursday, We find the NFL tinkering with the schedule. If the Carolina Panthers, VS the Denver Bronco’s was a wonderful way to end last season, then it should be a great way to start the season this year right? At least the NFL thought so, and while this game was great at the end of last year, this year it was interesting way to start. No Peyton Manning this year, so we had to hear about how this was going to be the year of Cam “the fig” Newton. But 18 of 33 for 194 yards might not be what the Panther faithful was hoping for. What the Bronco Fans were hoping for was to inject some Siemian into their opponents and that is what they did. Now while 18 for 26 for 178 yards doesn’t sound great, it is just what the doctor ordered. The Bronco’s secret weapon Kapri Bibbs snuck on the field, and didn’t screw up the game so that was a plus as well.

Final Score the Panther 20 the Broncos 21. Do you have anything to add Gloria? That is true a little Siemian goes a long way, thanks for that insight.

 

                Okay let’s get to Sunday the most wonderful day on the year shall we? The First Sunday on the NFL calendar falls on the 15 year anniversary of the attack on the twin towers in New York City. In a Day of remembrance the NFL had a special message from former President George Bush and current President Barak Obama which was very good. We shall survive and endure, a great message even if you don’t believe in either one of the men speaking. We will save our comments on the National Anthem debate for another time, but suffice to say that we liked the Trumpet version of the National Anthem. On to the game. Apparently 24 to 3 leads midway through the 3^rd quarter are not meant to last. This game is 60 minutes. And San Diego would be wise to learn that lesson.

Final Score the Chargers 27 the Chiefs 33 in overtime. Stay classy San Diego, stay real classy.

 

                Next we find the tough AFC South match up as the Tampa Bay is heading to Georgia to play the Falldowns. Jameis Winston threw 4 touchdowns, while Matt Ryan threw only 2. Which pretty well sums up this game. Tampa Bay Receiver Russell Shepard had what could be called game of the year, he had no catches, for no yards, and no touchdowns. But he also didn’t have a dropped pass, or a fumble, so there is that.

Final Score the Buccaneers 31 the Falldowns 24. Nothing like losing your home opener, on opening day, well this should make for a long season.

 

                Up next we find that the Viqueens went to Tennessee and brought all their players. One of those player was the great Adrian Peterson, who accounted for 31 yards on 19 carries, Fantastic. He had a long of 9 yards, which means he had 18 carries for 22 yards. That is just over 1 yard 8 inches per carry. We guess when Minnesota needed a yard and 9 inches we knew who the ball was going to. The Super Duck Marcus Mariota threw two touchdowns to his team and one to the Viqueens, as well as fumbling the ball that was scooped up and ran in for another touchdown. So if the Super Duck doesn’t have those two mistakes this game might have had a different outcome.

Final Score the Viqueens 25 the Titans 16. So Gloria any special insight on this game? “Well if the Titans had scored more points than Minnesota the game might have ended differently”

 

                Next the Raiders headed east to play the New Orleans Aints. Drew Brees did his best as he was 28 of 42 for 423 yards and 4 touchdowns. But when your quarterback throws that many times you don’t have much of a running game. And 88 yards which is what the Aints had is not much of a running game. Jack Del Rio Showed the river boat gambler that he is, and when he could have tied the game and go into over time, he elected to go for two points and the win. Our hats are off to you coach, but we have to remember it is New Orleans, you are playing, and if you can’t get 2 yard on the Aints in a critical situation, then maybe you don’t need to be coaching.

Final Score the Raiders 35 the Aints 34. New Season Same old Aints.

 

                Now we get to the game that everyone has been waiting for. The Buffalo Bills versus the Baltimore Ravens. The Bills have the greatest Running back in the history of the NFL REGGIE BUSH. And as his name echoed through the stadium each time he touched the ball, he electrified the crowed with the speed of a gazelle, the endurance of a camel, and the cunning of a snake. He weaved, and plowed his way through the Raven defense to the tune of 3 carries for a minus 4 yards. That is right folks -4 yards. 3 Carries and he was trapped behind the line for a total of minus four yards. The entire Bills team didn’t do much better, but they did get on the plus side more than ole REGGIE BUSH.

Final Score the Bills 7 the Ravens 13. So you train for 7 to 8 weeks, play in at least 4 preseason games to prepare yourself for the first week of the season, and this is what you give your fans 160 yards of offense.

 

                Welcome to the JJ Watt show! So here we go!! This week on the Show in a Heartwarming segment, JJ will describe his pain after a tummy tuck procedure that fixed six Abdominal muscles, and the fight he has had since this last January to get back on the field to play again. Then in the craft segment new QB Brock Osweiler stops in to help JJ make some fashionable doll clothes from old Denver Bronco tee shirts. In the Cooking Segment JJ turns up his culinary skills and shows everyone his new soup recipe that includes Real Bear meat. A hard to find Delicacy down in Houston, but with the Bears in town you never know what you find. And later in the show JJ will show everyone how he learned how to play the guitar and serenade a lucky member of the audience with his rendition of a Lionel Ritchie Classic. So come on back to J J Watt Show…

Final Score Da Bears 14 the Texans 23. Jimmy, is our DVR set for the JJ Watt Show? Well you better find it, and you better follow the Recipe for Bear soup…

 

                Mr. Rogers went to Jacksonville for the dreaded insurance convention. There were lots of meetings, a few seminars, spent some time on the beach, got to see some old friends, and just had a great time. He was also 20 of 34 for 199 yards. However there was this new guy at the conference. His Name is Blake Bortles who was 24 of 39 for 320 yards. It was very interesting watching these two work. Doing the discount double check shuffle. In the end what caused the team to lose was the helmet. Who saw that Jacksonville helmet? It was awful. Black Matte finish on the front sparkly gold on the back separated by a Jaguar with a Teal mouth. It was terrible.

Final Score the Packers 27 the Jaguars 23. Hey Jimmy did you record this game for us? The Lion Guard was on Disney Junior and that is what the TV was on. With a Little Voice saying “Paw Paw Lion Guard is on”

 

                The more things change the more they stay the same. Fans for the J E T S jets Jets jets know this to be true. For all the good work that the Drunken Irish Man Ryan Fitzpatrick has done in his career he still loses games that is had no control over. Like this game. How does a drive stall at the one yard line? Maybe the coach has so little faith in you that he runs the Kicker, out on the field. Let that soak in just a moment, the Kicker runs on the field to try a 19 yard field goal. That is closer than a college Extra Point. That is closer than a High school extra point. Are you kidding us? Really. You deserve to lose when you can’t score from there.

Final Score the Bengals 23 the NEW YORK FOOTBALL JETS 22. We should laugh at your misfortune, but this is the Jets and Misfortune seems to follow them where ever they play.

 

                So over the off season one team tried to change their Identity to the tune of a new head coach, new General Manager , new Quarterback, new uniforms. But what they really should have been looking for is a new town, a new stadium, a new team color. The Brownstains will forever be the Brownstains, their new General Manager is in to Cybernetics, which is just a new word for stats. We almost want to say nice try, but you are Cleveland, so we will leave it at that.

Final Score Brownstains 10 the Beagles 29. Don’t think you are getting off easy Beagles. Your time will come.

 

Next up we head to Northwest, not sure what is great about it anymore. This was quite possibly the worst game ever scheduled. Here are some of the nice words used to describe it:  Lame, sucks, boring, someone should pay the punter more if he is going to kick this much, I paid to watch this? When the sponsors refused to run commercials during this game no one cared. No one wanted to be associated with this game, for 37 minutes the announcers left the booth and went to the fish market. Crickets could be heard chirping while both offenses were on the field. Fans were demanding their money back thinking it was a Nickleback concert featuring Justin Bieber.

Final Score the Mia 10 the Shehawks 12. This game included 13 punts that is all we are going to say.

 

                Up next there was an exciting game between the Lions and Colts. This game went down to the wire and for no other reason other than sheer determination and grit did the winning team survive. This game was a hard fought game with a chance for redemption at the end. Matt Stafford and Andrew Luck Dueled like they were in the street of an old west town. Each waiting for the other to flinch. And finally, Matt Prater the Lion kicker doomed to be the goat for missing an extra point earlier made his way to the field to save the day. He kicked the winning field goal.

Final score the Lions 39 the Colts 35. Yes yes we know that the score shows a four point difference and a field goal is only 3 points, but who is going to screw up a great story like this. And the Colts tried to throw an illegal forward pass in the endzone on the last play of the game, which resulted in a safety.

 

                Finally the Featured Game on Fox. This is what America will be talking about all week. The NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS versus the Dallas Cowgirls. There are lots of stats that can tell you the story of this game. We are going to focus on 2, Time of possession, and Total yards. When you play 60 minutes of a football game there are going to be time when your team has the ball, when your team has the ball the end result should be to score. When you score you want to make sure that you are getting touchdowns. The Cowgirls had the ball for 36:43. The NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS had the ball for 23.17. This means that the cowgirls essentially had the ball for nearly an entire quarter longer. This is almost like having several drives with no defense on the field at all. In that extra time on the field, the Cowgirls had a total of 328 yards, not bad. The NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS in their 23 minutes of total offense time had 316 yards. That is less than a yard per minute of field time. Rookie QB Dak Prescott did okay in his debut for the Cowgirls. At least the sun wasn’t in his eyes the whole game. The same can’t be said for the rest of the team.

Final Score the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS 20 the Cowgirls 19. One touchdown and 4 field goals aren’t going to win you too many games. Gloria do you have anything to add? No? Okay then.

 

                Have we seen enough of this yet? The New England Patriots hang around till the end of the game and kick a field goal to win. It doesn’t matter who the Quarterback is. Tom Brady or as Chris Collinsworth said “Jenane Garafalo”. So there you go. The Ari-Freaking-Zona Cardinals lose again today. To a woman quarterback. Wonderful.

Final Score the Pats 23 the Cards 21. Jimmy can you please check to see if Jimmy Garoppolo and Jenane Garafalo are actually related, we think not, but just in case.

 

Next we find that Pittsburg Steelers took their fabulous road show to Maryland to play the Deadskins.  Best highlight of the night was a shot into the owner’s box where Daniel Snyder was watching in disgust has his team was down 24 to 6 with 3 minutes to go in the third quarter.  It just makes us laugh. Big Ben was 27 of 37 for 300 yards, and picked up to junior high girls from the third row. And invited them on the field. A nice move on his part.

Final Score the Steelers 38 the Deadskins 16. A fitting end to a game that was awful for a Monday night opener.

 

And Last but not least we have this. We guess we can take our stand right here. So, there are a few players who want to protest something “The way that Black people are oppressed. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave for Murder.”  We totally understand the stance. In this age of unity (everyone wants their fair share) these people has narrowed their focus on an issue that they are very passionate about. Police killing young black males, no matter what the circumstances. This should be should be a last resort no matter the color. This group of individuals doesn’t seem to be against Black on Black crime. Gang members shooting up neighbor hoods, looting, rampant vandalism in the neighborhoods, they are concerned about the killing of young black males by police officers, no matter the circumstances. If the black young males in question are in the wrong, it doesn’t matter, if the facts of the case show that the Black Male was in the wrong, it doesn’t matter, if there are no charges brought on the officers, it doesn’t matter. These Players have decided to make this their stand as well. With statements like “We can’t stand for this so I will not stand for the National Anthem in protest” I am okay with your right to sit, kneel, hell even stand on your head, if you like. But your voice in this matter is not being heard. You are using the wrong platform, your fame, albeit small is falling on deaf ears as no one wants to hear about you kneeling, sitting, or squatting during the National Anthem. Your protest amounts to peeing in your own swimming pool. If this is the best decision you can come up with for protesting your issue, then you need to talk to someone else about protesting. This is not the best way to communicate your message. Everyone knows your days are numbered in the NFL, very few people get to decide when they leave this game. So choose your stances wisely. Your next decision may be your last. And a word to the Broadcasting teams, (Fox, ESPN, CBS, and NBC) you are perpetuating this divisive behavior. You refuse to show the streaker on the field, you refuse to show some horrific injuries. Stop showing these people and your job is done. We don’t need your opinion on the subject. Your decision to discuss this is as bad as the person kneeling. Move on. Unless you have a point, which we have not heard, about how to correct the issue, saying that you don’t understand is not helping. Move on.

Final Score the Ewes 0 the 49ers 28. Now we can all be glad that football is back in Los Angeles again. Let the countdown begin until the team in Los Angeles scores. Just so you know our crack intern Jimmy told us that Anyone who was born after January 1995, those people are 21 years old or younger, have still not seen a score by a Los Angeles football player in the regular season.

Well there you have it. The first one is in the books. Let’s see if we can keep this going… Final thoughts anyone?

Yes Jimmy. Okay great record the show for us and report back next week.

Yes Gloria? Oh why yes we did not do that. Would you like to announce? Okay you go right ahead…

Did everyone get that? No? Well Gloria was kind enough to remind me that we had not selected the Birth Canal Team of the week. So this week’s Birth canal team of the Week is….

Your Los Angeles Ewes!!! Congrats to everyone…

There is Peyton Manning handing the trophy over to the team and with that, Remember like we always said…

 

 

Know it sounds funny
But I just can't stand the pain
Girl I'm leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl
You know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole
And I borrowed

Ooh, that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning

Why in the world
Would anyboddy put chains on me?
I've paid my dues to make it
Everbody wants me to be
What they want me to be
I'm not happy when I try to fake it!
No!

Ooh,that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning

I wanna be high, so high
I wanna be free to know
The things I do are right
I wanna be free
Just me, babe!

That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
Because I'm easy
Easy like sunday morning
Because I'm easy
Easy like sunday morning