Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 1

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard

Week 1

Finally all the stars have aligned and the world is back on its axis, and we have football again, and not just college, or high school, we have NFL. And this NFL is the greatest NFL of all the NFL… What? Well that is how we get our opening line over, grabbing the reader, getting them to the edge of their seats reading each word, waiting for the information, okay? Boy new help is hard to find… Just so everyone knows, Expo has moved on, he is no longer with us, so now we have a new guy who we call lefty, and not because he is left handed if you know what we mean. Okay Lefty let’s see if you can earn that Iron clad contract your sister got you. Kick it!!!

 

                First up on Thursday we will start in Denver, where we will all hail the Superbowl Champions the Baltimore Ravens, and the great White Bronco. But before we get started we will have delay of 20 minutes. Please start reading after the allotted time please. Okay we are now ready to start but we will have a 15 minutes delay due to weather not in our area, but somewhere near us and heading away from us, so please set your clocks for a 15 minute wait again.

Okay here we go. If we are ready, we can get started and what a game, this was worth waiting for more than 30 minutes. So on the first game on the season the great White Bronco throws for 7 touchdowns against the Superbowl champs. After the game the great White Bronco was interviewed in the locker room. A reporter was overheard asking “So is this the best day of your life?” To which the Great White Bronco scratched his head and thought. Then he spoke with the confidence of one of his seven touchdowns, “Well in comparison to the greatest days in my life it is up there for sure. Huh just thinking off the top of my head I would have to say getting married, is one, then the births of my children, but there is no way it topped this one March day in in 1984. It was the Louisiana State Fair and me and my little brother, and my mom and dad waited in line for what seemed like an hour. But it was finally our turn and we couldn’t wait, we walked up the stairs, and first my mom then my little brother, crying as usual, and then me, then my dad, we all got on this elephant. We rode it around in a circle that must have been 40 feet. That was the greatest 13 yards of my life.”

Finals Score Ravens 27 the Broncos 49. Way to start the year off with a blowout.

 

                First up on Sunday we find ourselves in Pittsburg home of the Squealers. Well the Squealers started off fast by tackling Darius Reynaud a yard deep in the endzone for a safety. How the hell does a guy get tackled in the endzone for a safety on the opening kickoff? After that Pittsburg decided that it would just hang out like a bunch high school nerds on Dance night. They become wall flowers on the sidelines, watching the Titans run all over the field to the tune of… is this right 229 yards? Really? 229 yards? Okay so the Squealers watched the Titans wonder all over the field imposing their will to the tune of 229 yards.

Final Score the Titans 16 the Squealers 9. If you have ever watched two blindfolded guys box? That is what this was like.

 

                Next up on Sunday the New England Patriots went to Buffalo to play the Bills. Buffalo finally thought this was the year they were going to stand up and be counted. Just a friendly word of advice to all you Bills fans out there, if indeed there are any, don’t expect to win a game against the New England Patriots if you cannot; do not or will not score in the fourth quarter. This game was winnable for the Buffalo, but alas they are just not ready to win this kind of game yet. Keep playing hard.

Final Score The Pats 23 the Bills 21. Stay hard Buffalo.

 

                Well we will head down to Ole New Orleans and find the Falcons coming to town. This game was mired in in desperation of the Aints trying to replace their best tour guide. That is right Sean Peyton was back on the sidelines again as the Aints head coach. During his halftime speech he was overheard telling his players that Drew Brees locker was right here, pointing at Drew Brees’ locker and wondering aimlessly in the locker room. He then pointed out the showers, and the “comfy facilities” to anyone who would follow him.  After the game when asked how it felt to be back on the Sidelines again, Peyton said “Well, I was on the sidelines last year giving tours, just not during the games, except for that unfortunate incident at the Superbowl.”   

Final Score the Falldowns 17 the Aints 23. Some old habits die hard.

 

                There are things that are constant in the NFL. Facts if you will, several we know well and have discussed here before and will do again in the future. One of the lesser known facts in NFL lore is that if one team is driving to kick a field goal that will win of tie the game up, you don’t shove him to the ground after he has stepped out of bounds, costing your team 15 yards. That will cause you to lose the game almost every time. Only in the rarest of cases, like when the games are being played in France does this rule not hold true.

Final Score the JETS 18 the Buccaneers 17.   And that my friend is the Buccan Truth. Well and the whole France thing is lie, the NFL doesn’t play in France, but if they did we are guessing that the rules would have to change.

 

                Now we know that when the NFL is starting up there are going to be teams that are going to have a rough time. Sometimes there just aren’t enough days to practice before the season starts to get everything ready. We feel like that happened in Jacksonville. After the game Head coach Gus Bradley was asked his thoughts on the game “You know” he said “It is it like going on Vacation and knowing that you are forgetting something. You know it is important, but you just can’t put your finger on it. Did we forget to get dressed? Nope everyone was in uniforms. Did we forget the pre-game meal? Nope everyone was good and full.  Next Question.” The Reporter asked a follow up, “So what did you forget?” To which Bradley replied “We Forgot to score, thanks for reminding me.”

Final Score the Chiefs 28 the Jaguars 2. Jacksonville is trying to tarnish the good name of Jaguar.

 

                Up next the game that pitted the #1 Quarterback against the #3 Quarterback in a very hard fought game… What? Well it says right here on this report. Cam Newton – Quarterback #1 versus Russell Wilson – Quarterback #3. What? That is their jersey number? Well who the hell is writing this copy??? Well this goes back to those rules we talked about before. “You can’t travel across the country and win, unless you are playing the Panthers.”

Final Score the Shehawks 12 the Panthers 7. It is a rule; we don’t make these things up?

 

                One of the greatest things about the NFL is the consistency of its inconsistency. And the constant for as long as we can remember is that without a Brown in the backfield the Browns aren’t going to win much. And by Brown we mean Jim Brown, so stop Tweeting Al Sharpton. Maybe if the Browns changed just a few things, made a few adjustments in personnel they could get this right. So let’s see they need a quarterback and a couple of linemen, both offensive and defensive, and coach or two couldn’t hurt and possibly a few new folks up in the front office.

Final Score the Dolphins 23 the Brownstains 10. Well on second thought it might take too long, just forget we said anything about it.

 

                Oh my goodness could the season have lined up any better than this? The Greatest Running back in the history of the NFL now plays for the Loincloths. REGGIE BUSH has found a new home in old and beaten down Detroit. Before the game he was asked if he was ready for the season. “Oh yea, you know I didn’t even know they still played football here in Detroit, but we is glad to be there huh here I mean.” Well he was so glad to be there the he ran for 90 yards, and caught passes for another 101 yards.  This kind of production had everyone reminding us “That is why he is the greatest running back in the History of NFL.

Final Score the Viqueens 24 Loincloths 34. Oh yea and Adrian Peterson rushed for 93 yards with a long of 78 yards, so 1 rush for 78 and 16 more rushes for 15 yards.

 

                Sometimes in the crazy game you have to throw caution to the wind, and sometimes you just have to have Luck. Just ask the Colts if it’s better to be lucky or good? The Colts Lucked out on Sunday as the lost the total yard battle, the first down battle, but they did win the Turnover battle so that must count for something.

Final Score the Raiders 17 the Colts 21. Luck sure wasn’t a lady tonight, but the Raiders just keep on sucking.

 

                Wow this was barn burner. And as 8 minute mark of the fourth quarter expired, Da Bears scored a touchdown. Cutler to Marshall Brandon for the score that sent Boo-Boo and Yogi into a loving embrace, as they looked deep into each other’s eyes, each whispering sweet nothings into the others ear, They suddenly stopped. And slowly walked paw in paw to a cave. What the hell is this? They scored with 8 minutes to go and then they won the game? Wow how impressive? You won a home game.

Final score the Bungels 21 Da Bears 24. Congrats, that is one in a row.

 

                Wow this next game was a typical NFC West match up. Somehow the thought of watching the Cardinals and the Rams actual play a game of meaning is kind of sad. Knowing that you have to play the games to get through the season, this again was just sad. Can we call this another preseason game and not even report on it???

Final Score the Cardinals 24 the Ewes 27/ this was a hard fought battle for third place in the NFC West. Yea…

 

                So here we are America. Football in America, it is the greatest thing since the invention of separating your loafs of bread into individual slices. But here we want to dig to the root of the games, so pop Quiz time for all you folks out there. Let’s say that your favorite team just scored a 75 yard touchdown, and as a celebration the receiver starts twerking the goal post. Then the Cornerback, who got beat on the play, sees this and decides that he has had all he can stand of this Mylee Cyrus want a be. And he kicks the guy in the shin. Then a fight breaks out, after the fight is over and the officials decide that the twerking was not a penalty and the kick to the shin was. So we have two dead ball penalties one on each team.  Do you:

A: Have the referees explain that the penalties offset and we will line up for the extra point.

B: Have the referees explain and demonstrate how twerking is a part of the game and they will be picking up that flag and accessing the penalty on the defense for the kick to the shin on the kick off

C: Have the referees explain that this is offsetting penalties and we will replay the down.

If you answered C you would be eligible to be a referee in San Francisco on Sunday. Not since the great interception fiasco of 2012 did the packers get if stuffed in their, huh… Throats?

Finals Score the Packers 28 the 49ers 34. If you don’t know the answer we will explain. A dead ball penalty on both teams will result in offsetting penalties. And nothing happens except that flags get throw and someone picked them up.

 

                And finally Sunday night, it seems like we have been waiting all day for Sunday night. Somehow the marketing genius that came up with this slogan must have been huffing paint. Well that is like saying, hey I have been waiting all night to get up in the morning. Or I have been waiting all week for the weekend. But guess what, it was going to get here whether you waited on it or not. So Carrie underwear is singing the same tired song that Faith Hill couldn’t sing very well. Can anyone tell us when the last team who turned over the ball 6 times in a game was trying to recover an onside kick for a  chance to drive for the winning touchdown.

Final Score the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS 31 the Cowgirls 36.Elisha turned the ball over 6 times, horrible if you ask us.

 

                Monday night is finally here and we get to hear Jon Gruden, did anyone miss him since last year? Anyone? We didn’t. He makes watching a rerun of some sad Lifetime movie a better option on Monday night. But he wasn’t the biggest issue on Monday. It appears that someone has there Teepee in a wad over the Washington Mascot name. Apparently Redskins is offensive (kind of like their play on Monday night) that they will forever be known as the Washington Feather not dot Native Americans here and only here. How can that be offensive?

Finals Score the Beagles 33 the Feather not dot Native Americans 27. Careful what you wish for you might get it.  

 

                And wow, what a treat a second game on Monday night? And low and behold look who is on there. The Houston Texans and the San Diego Chargers if ever there were two teams that needed to play when no one would or could watch them, then the second Monday night game would be the place for them. Hopefully ESPN will lobby the NFL to have all of the Cardinal games on Monday night at 11PM EST, and then no one will be forced to watch them.

Final Score the Texans 31 the Chargers 28. How better to end the week with a game that appeals to no one. Very fitting kind of like adding Thursday night games. Oh Crap that starts this week doesn’t it.

Well that will just about to it for us. It has been a long wait, but it is finally hear and we have 5 more months to go!!! And remember like we always say…

 

 

Catching flies in his mouth
Tasting freedom while he dares
Then crawling back to the top of the stairs
He won't see the sun again for years to come
He's broken out in love

Like a cat without a care
Roaming freely through the streets
You could find him in amongst the pigeons in the square
But he won't see the sun again for years to come
He's broken out in love.