Stroll down the NFL Boulevard
Championship Week
And now there are 2. Are they your two? Are they our 2? Are they the best 2? Or are you just glad that a team didn’t make it? So it looks like we have some questions to answer. So we had better get to it. Expo can you kick it championship style!!!
First up we head to home of the Atlanta Falldowns. The Georgia Dome could barely hold all the excitement of the Home NFC Championship game. In the first quarter the Falldowns looked like a championship team running over a peewee basketball team. We mean they looked like they were playing a different game than the 49ers were playing. In the first 15 minutes and 6 seconds of the game the Falldowns took the game to the 49ers. They gained 209 yards in one quarter and 6 seconds 17 points in 15 minutes and 6 seconds while the 49ers could only muster -2 yards and 0 points. Really? Was this going to be a game that Falldowns went out and scored like they had purpose and desire? But then the 49ers showed up in the second quarter and put a drive together scoring a touchdown! Then only down 10 Points the 49ers went on another drive that also netted them a touchdown! Now with the game squarely within reach the 49ers had only 1 minute 55 seconds to halftime and a fresh start. But the Falldowns weren’t finished yet. They had a great 2 minute drive to end the half and scored another touchdown.
Halftime Score the 49ers 14 the Falldowns 24. Seems like some pretty good action now that both teams are here.
Starting the third quarter the 49ers drive the ball to another touchdown! back to within 3 points the noose around the Falldowns neck begins to tighten. The rest of the quarter ends in a comedy of errors, that include a missed field goal that would have tied the game and then each team traded fumbles it was like trying to watch a group of second graders play hot potato. But with each passing moment you could fill that one team was there to win and the other was trying really hard not to lose. After a Falldowns fourth quarter punt from their own endzone the Falldowns defense took the field with all the dread and trepidation of a group of cattle being lead to slaughter. And when Colin slipped the ball to Frank Gore and San Francisco scored on a 9 yard run; the Falldowns saw their Superbowl chances slip through their chubby little fingers like an Ice cream slips through your three olds hands just when you get back in the car. You could hear a collective “Uh oh” from the crowd. Matt Ryan tried to rally his troops on the sidelines he ran from one end of the bench to the other telling his guys “Hey this is not over by a long shot. We got plenty of time. We can do this. That fat lady, what is her name Adele? She isn’t even in the building. I am not giving up, just like last week we kick a field goal and this one is over.” And all cheering up was not true because the Falldowns were behind by 4 so a field goal wouldn’t do them any good. So Matty Ice drove the Falldowns down the field 70 yards. But alas he was 10 yards short as he needed 80 to score a touchdown. The 49ers took over on downs and ran the clock out except for a desperation pass for 30 yards or so. When the final gun went off it was like a shot to the heart of Matt Ryan and Head coach Mike Smith. so with all they had to pay the devil to win their first playoff game they didn’t have enough in the tank to do it again.
Final score the 49ers 28 the Falldowns 24. There is no Joy in Mudville Mighty Matty has been beaten. But losing was not the only distinction the Falldowns would win. To have a 17 point lead at home and not be able to close the deal? They should head to OZ and see if the wizard can spare a heart.
Up next we have to find out who the 49ers would play, and low and behold listen to who is on the telecast. It is the Patriots network team Jim Nance and Phil Sims. Those to buffoons should be locked in padded room with each other and let them talk about how the Patriots are going to win the Superbowl again. We mean they haven’t won one since 2005. But if we have to hear one more time about how Tom Brady is going to “start his 6th Super bowl game, more than other quarterback in the history of the NFL” we might just puke. But let’s go to the game. Tom Terrific, the sexist quarterback in the league according to Phil Simms, had what some would say was a great quarter to start the game. He kept driving his team till they got 3 whole points. One Field goal, 3 beautiful points on the board in the first quarter, but “This is only the start of the game, Jim. I remember when I played the game was 4 quarters and they haven’t changed it that I know of.” No they didn’t jack ass. This game is 4 quarters, because if it were 3 we would call it Hockey. So after the third punt of the first quarter the potent New England offense let the defense play a while. The Ravens started the drive from their own 10 yard line and proceeded to hold the back of the heads of each defensive Patriot player and shove the ball right down their throats. Scoring a touchdown and taking a 7 to 3 lead in the second quarter seemed to make the Announcers mad. Their team was losing and they were not going to take. Tom came back on the field and drove them to a touchdown the lead again. “Phil, this is classic Bill Belichick when the other team scores you drive right back down and force your will on them. Score, or put points on the board to show them that you are ready for a fight.” Is what Jim Nance rolled out as the Ravens punted for the fourth time in the half. So here is where the end of the half got interesting. Let’s just move to the play as we will call it. Tom terrific took the snap and rolled left, finding no one to throw the ball to he suddenly took off. Then he started to slide. Only this wasn’t a normal slide. He lifted is right foot, not to protect himself from anyone coming after him, but to injury someone, he even kicked his foot up as if he was attempting to pull a Suh. (A Suh is characterized by a player’s foot connecting to the man’s lady parts, up to and including any and all appendages in and around the groin area, according to league rules as we read it). We screamed at the TV to no avail. No penalty was called and the game progressed. The Patriots could not get another play called and had to call a timeout and kick another field goal.
Halftime Score the Ravens 7 the Patriots 13. Can anyone tell us why the CBS Halftime show is so boring? We think we might get mesmerized by the glare from Shannon Sharpe’s horse teeth. It is kind of like watching a Japanese carton till you have a seizure.
After the paramedic revived us and keep us from swallowing our tongues we find that the third quarter has started and the Ravens are driving. “Jim that just didn’t look like the Patriots we have been watching all season. They usually have more adjustments coming out of the halftime.” Said Phil as the Ravens went ahead 14 to 13. Then just like Manti Te’o’s girlfriend the Patriots were none existent in the second half and the Raven kept turning up the heat. Two more touchdowns in the fourth quarter put the game on ice, and allowed Ray Lewis to get down on his hands and knees to pray to his God at game’s end. Now we don’t know if his God is your God. We don’t know if his God is our God. Or if his God is red with a pointed tail, the fact of the matter is that God doesn’t like Ugly and the Patriots have been ugly for the last couple of seasons. We know that Bill Belacheat has not won a super bowl since he got caught cheating. And he should be fined for not talking to reporters after losing this game. We understand coach that you are not happy, so which Dwarf are you going to be this week? Grumpy is so old and tired. Oh we know you can be Jackassy. You know that eighth dwarf, the one that wears a stupid hooded sweatshirt talks down to people and always wants to kick someone when they are down, but doesn’t want to be spoken too when he is down.
Final Score the Ravens 28 the Patriots 13. Jackassy our favorite new Dwarf? That is funny right there. If you didn’t smile at that then you don’t know funny. Ha Jackassy…
Okay well that will just about do it for us. Expo do you have anything? What? We didn’t? Are you sure? Let me read back over. Huh Falldowns lose; Jim and Phil will have to stroke each other’s egos because the Patriots are not in the Super bowl... Oh we see it.. sorry.
This week in an unprecedented move we have things in two just like the Arc. Two winners, two losers and we have the Jaime Lee Curtis. This week’s birth canal team of the week is both the Falldowns and the Patriots. But we figured you saw that one coming. Hell neither one of them scored in the second half.
So that should do it for us this week.
And remember like we always say…
What if all you understand,
Could fit into the center of our hand,
Then you found it wasn't you,
Who held the sum of everything you knew,
We're insane but not alone,
You hold on,
And their gone,
Like the sun we will live to rise,
Like the sun we will live and die,
And then ignite again,
Like the sun we will live to rise again,
What if the one thing that I missed,
Was everything I need to pass the test,
And if I fail what happens then,
Can I still count on you as a friend,
We're insane but not alone,
You hold on,
And their gone,
Like the sun we will live to rise,
Like the sun we will live and die,
And then ignite again,
Like the sun we will live to rise again,
(Again x3)
Warm My Face,
Warm Your Face,
Warm My Face,
Warm Your Face,
Warm My Face,
Warm Your Face,
Like the sun we will live to rise,
Like the sun we will live and die,
And then ignite again,
Like the sun we will live to rise,
Like the sun we will live and die,
And then ignite again,
Like the sun we will live to rise again,
Again
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