Stroll down the NFL Boulevard
Week 15
Well with 3 weeks left in the regular season we come down to a week where nearly every game meant something. It has been a season full of ups and downs, and most down the last couple of weeks. The deaths that have occurred in the NFL pale in comparison to what happened in Newtown Conn. This incident is so sad. We have given reason in the last two Stroll’s on how this could be avoided. We can’t find anything this week so we will try to move forward, get back to our routine, and try to bring some normalcy back to the week. So Expo can you please kick it!
Up first it looks like the last game Thursday game and we find the game in Philadelphia. This week The Bungels came a calling. Andy Reid is just playing out the string and he really doesn’t care if he wins or loses. It was evident on Thursday as his team only scored 13 points. Does this look like a team that cared they only got 10 first downs? They only got a first down on 3 of 12 third downs. They also had 7 penalties, 9 punts, and only 22 minutes on offense.
Final Score the Bungels 34 the Beagles 13. So the Bungels are looking for the playoffs they are getting closer. The Beagles are looking for a coach, a quarterback, and the 4th pick in the draft, which they might just find.
First up on Sunday we head to the Sewer that is Houston. The greatest pro football team in Texas tried to become the first team in the NFL to get to 12 wins. And that is just what they did. After exposing Andrew Luck for what he is a 6 foot 3 quarterback with a partial laser arm. What he doesn’t know how to do is audible in a Buick, or get win in Houston. After the game Quarterback Matt Schaub told Mr. Luck “You see if you want to be a famous Quarterback you need a commercial. Like a car commercial, or a watch, or even a cookie one, have you thought about being a cookie commercial like for double stuff Oreo’s? Or maybe you could do a subway commercial? They are taking everybody except Terrell Owens.” To which Luck responded “I don’t have anything except local stuff. Something for a flower shop, and pizza place. But I have not seen your commercial?
Final score the Colts 17 the Texans 29. The Texans get to 12 wins and are in the playoffs, they are trying to get home field throughout the playoffs. The Colts are still in the hunt, but need to keep winning, probably just one more.
This week the White Bronco Travelled East in search of happier hunting, he wanted more fowl prey. He found it in a land known simply as Baltimore, a Mary land indeed. The White Bronco feasted on bird also known as Raven. After several birds the White Bronco headed to the locker room. He was greeted by a tall slender man with a hat, after a few knowing glances they both moved to a quieter area of the tunnel and spoke softly. The White Bronco first”Did you find out who the package is from?” the tall man replied, “Yes your brother.” “I talked to him last week and he denies any knowledge of the package.” responded the white Bronco. Did you just open the package? There might be a clue in its contents?” to which the White Bronco replied. “No. the note said not to open till Christmas. And my Mom made sure that I followed the rules around Christmas, so Santa would come see me.”
Final score the Bronco’s 34 the Ravens 17. Both teams are in the playoffs here. But the seeding has not been established. But they are both in.
Next up here we find a game that doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things, but they played it anyway. In what could be described as a battle for a lowly little piece of northern Cuba the Jacksonville Jaguars slid a little south to the beautiful beaches of Miami. Let’s just see what the greatest Running back in the history of the NFL did in this battle for Florida. REGGIE BUSH had over 100 yards in the game. Well the saints be praised, and Ala as well. Somebody rubbed the Buhda belly and prayed to the Saint “Orenthal” the patron Saint of Football Running backs. Would you look at these Stats? REGGIE BUSH had 21 carries for 104 yards; a closer look shows that his longest carry was 53 yards. So he really had 20 carries for 51 yards and that is more like the production we are used to.
Final Score the Jags 3 and Dolphins 24. Neither one of these teams are going to the playoffs so should we even be talking about them here? But Miami is still mathematically in it, but they will not be soon, so again we ask the question?
Up next we find that someone was able to stop the Beast from Cleveland. The Brownstains have played so much better that they were hoping that a 500 record was in their future. But that was before the Deadskins came a calling. Cleveland thought that with RG Griffin the III out that they stood a heck of a chance of winning. But alas some backup Quarterback named Kurt Cousins came in and lit them like a bag of poo on our front door step. Well with Cousins in charge can a win be far behind for the Deadskins?
Final score the Deadskins 38 the Brownstains 21.The Deadskins are fighting for First place in the NFC East and the Brownstains… Well they crapped their pants again this season, better luck next year.
Now we will talk about the Adrian Peterson, as the Viqueens wondered into St Louis. We know that Adrian Peterson is a great Running back, and this season he may be doing something that hasn’t been done in like forever. But we are struck by the nature at which this record may or may not be broken. Mr. Peterson had 24 carries for 212 yards. A very nice total. However he had one run that was 82 yards, so if we take that fluke run out he had 23 carries for 130 yards still a very nice total. Then in the fourth quarter he had another rush for 52 more yards, so on 2 carries he rushed for 134 yards and 22 carries he rushed for 78 yards. We might have to get our crackerjack research staff to look into this if he actually gets the rushing single season record.
Final score the Viqueens 36 the Ewes 22. The Viqueens are trying to get to the playoffs but they are 8-6 with several other teams and need some help, next week should make the picture a little clearer. And the Ewes are watching another playoff season watching from their couches.
Okay so this next game was tough to watch. The Aints took the field against no one. The Buccan game had only one team and that was the Aints, in a surprise move the Buccaneers decided not to show up. They just flat didn’t score. 5 turnovers will do that to a team. But we think that the Bucs were more interested in a stadium tour than playing this game during the fourth quarter Aints Quarterback was showing some Bucs around the concourse when he was asked if the Superdome had any more incidents like they did during Katrina? Tour Guide Drew Brees mentioned that there had a little accident in the concourse, a week ago. We were nearly 4 weeks urine free. But now our count is back to three days. And this is the spot right here, where you are standing that the incident occurred. With a big nostril inhale Brees States “Yep you can still smell where the cleaning crew tried o mask the smell with bleach and cheap Lady Gaga Cologne. After the game while the Bucs were changing in the locker room Officials rushed in and after checking each player, they found no balls, only lady’s front bottoms of all sizes and colors. So while 3 deserved to win this week only one could. This week’s Birth canal team of the week is the Bucs.
Final Score the Bucs 0 Aints 41. The Bucs are spiraling out of control in a free fall completely out of the playoffs. The Aints are still getting all their legal entanglements taken care of in the NFL Offices. But no they are not in the playoff picture. Sorry about that. Wait, no we aren’t really sorry about that.
This has to be a rarity in the NFL 2 games where one team doesn’t score. The Falldowns pretended this was an election and voted early and often. We have only one question for you. What do you call a TD, TD, FG, TD, FG, and TD? The answer is the Falldowns scoring against the NEWYORK FOOTBALL GIANTS. After the game Ellie was by his locker when a familiar sound came from the top of his lock, “Oh when the saints go marching in.” A smile came over Ellie’s face has he knew exactly who it was. “Hey dad” he exclaimed. “We didn’t play very well today. Oh you didn’t see it? Well, no I didn’t see Peyton’s game, I was playing one myself. Yes dad I know I should pay more attention to my brother’s games. I try to watch them as much as I can. But Dad I play in the NFL too. Yes I do dad, I play in the NFL too.” As a tear rolls down his cheek, he tells his Dad”No dad I didn’t send him anything. I didn’t send him a present. No I didn’t. Why don’t you believe me?”
Final Score the Giants 0 nothing zip zilch nada. The Falldowns 34. The Falldowns are in the playoffs and were the second team in the NFL to 12 wins. The NEW YORK FOOTBALL GAINTS are playing for their playoff lives; they are tied for first in the NFC East but will need some help to get in the playoffs.
Now we get to Da Bears. Back in the earlier part of the season Da Bears went to Green Bay and found a tough test in the Packers. For the longest time this season that was the only loss Da Bears had and they had circled this game as payback. There were going to get their revenge. Only thing is no one told the Packers. Aaron Rogers did his touchdown dance three times; he was even seen on the Sidelines dancing with BJ Raji. After the Game he was seen walking out to the middle of the Field and Singing “We are the Champions” It had the feel of the Queen Concert in Chicago back in 74, you know before we knew that Freddie Mercury was gay.
Final score the Packers 21 Da Bears 13. Oh crap, now Aaron will be on American Idol. Well maybe not since they will be in the playoffs. Da Bears are still trying to get boo boo back on his feet and they are in danger of not making the playoffs.
Crap what happened to the Shehawks going on the road and losing? They have been playing better without the referees help the last couple of weeks. We heard that when they got to Buffalo they asked about the exchange rate between a dollar in American and Canada. Well Bills Wide receiver Ruvell Martin raised his hand and wanted to explain the exchange rate to the Shehawks, they listened intently as he cleared his throat and he began “Years ago in our great land the United States of America, we decide to print the dollar bill, and they wanted a face on it, so who better than George Washington, he did free us from the oppression of England states right? Well Canada, being the crazy neighbor to the north thought they needed a dollar as well, but they think more outside the box than Americans do so they decided that they would have a coin instead of paper money. They wanted desperately to be different than America so they named their money, and instead of calling it a dollar, which is what we call ours they called theirs a Looney. And that is the difference in the American dollar and the Canadian dollar. The End.” “Hey Ruvell he was asked, how many Looney’s make a dollar?” “Oh I don’t know that. Because I don’t know how many coins it takes to make a paper dollar, it looks like it would be expensive.
Final Score the Shehawks 50 the Bill 17. Even with NAFTA in place, the Bills still come up short, and they are short in the playoff picture as well. The Shehawks are in almost. They have the inside track. It would take an epic collapse for them to not make the playoffs.
Superman is back and his name is Cam “the Fig” Newton. The Feat he pulled off this week was not as remarkable as it could have been. We mean he was playing the Chargers for God’s Sake. We aren’t sure the Chargers could beat their way out of wet paper sack. For the kids out there a paper sack is what we old people got our groceries in all the time. it was a weak excuse for caring groceries, no handles and very flimsy, lots of times they broke and they really tore when they were wet, so when we say that the Chargers couldn’t beat their out of paper sack it means that they are very weak. Does that make sense now?
Final Score the Panthers 31 the Chargers 7. This game wasn’t as close as the score should and neither one of these teams are in the playoffs, so why are we talking about this game?
In the Age of Football futility we offer up to you the Detroit Loins and the Ari-Freaking-zona Cardinals. This could have been the worst game on the schedule, and it was voted such by our panel, but let us say that no one cared about this game.
Final Score the Loins 10 the Cardinals 38. If either one of these teams makes the playoffs this season we will dress in only thong and give any homeless man of your choosing a lap dance and make him a ham sandwich. Just saying we a pretty confident that is not going to happen.
Next up is the last game of the week without one team scoring. Same bet applies as above, because we can’t get that image out of our own head. Damn it.
Final Score the Chefs 0 the Raiders 15. We here you back. Just suck baby!!!
We just knew that things were going to get crazy down in Dallas, and it sure did. Fans came from near and far to see the only 3 time Superbowl match up. Twice in the 1970’s and once in the 1990’s these two teams played their hearts out on the field. And the Squealers won in the 70’s and cowgirls won in the 90’s. But this game was more than 2 former super bowl champions facing off; this game was about a showing who had the goods to move past the other. Demarco Murray showed his goods mid way through the third quarter as his bare bottom was exposed during a tackle. After the lovely wife had us run the play back a third time just to verify that indeed that was a little booty she saw, our son asked “Why isn’t he wearing underwear?” we said, “Well he wears only a jock strap and no underwear.” “Dad, that is just weird”
Final Score the Squealers 24 the Cowgirls 27. If we had to bet on one of these teams making the playoffs we would bet on the Squealers, but at the Moment the cowgirls are the third team tied for first in the NFC East. And Pittsburg needs some help.
Okay we guess that NBC only wanted New England on Sunday night, because they have been there the last 2 weeks. Last week they stomped a mud hole in the greatest pro football team from Texas. This week the 49ers came across country to visit. Tom terrific threw the ball 65 times which is about 10 times too many since they only rushed the ball 24 times. We can only guess that if Danny Woodhead leads your team in rushing then we guess it is okay to throw the ball 65 times. After the Game the 49er Quarterback Colin Kaepernick ran to the middle of the field, and with both Bill Belacheat and Tom Terrific watching he grabbed himself in his most manly of parts and yelled VENI VIDI VICI!
VENI VIDI VICI!
VENI VIDI VICI!
Final score the 49ers 41 the Pats 34. Both teams are in the playoffs, they are working on seeding now.
And finally we normally would not have even seen the end of this game, but it was hilarious. So let us take you through the last 2 minutes of the game. Mind you the score is 14 to 10 Titans. It is first and ten yards to go with 1:51 to go in the game and the JETS need a score to keep their playoff hopes alive. From the Titans 23 yard line Mark Sanchez drops back and makes another ill advised pass into double coverage that is picked off again by Michael Griffin. Titans ball on their 2 yard line. Rex the foot loving Ryan has 2 time out which he uses while the mighty Titans gained 4 yards. On 4th and 6 from the Tennessee 6 yard line Brett Kern punts the ball 19 yards to his own 25 yard line giving the JETS one last chance. So with 23 seconds and no time outs left Mark Sanchez, who has had 4 interceptions on the night, heads back on the field to lead his team to victory. We mean how great it is that they only have 25 yards to go right? So Sanchez lines up in the shot gun with a running back to his left. He calls for the snap, which is low he bends over to pick it up and bobbles the ball. It falls to the ground in front of him; now the running back comes in front of Sanchez and kicks the ball to their right. The ball rolls between the right tackle legs and Defensive end Zach Brown falls on it. Sanchez is stunned and dismayed. After the game Rex Ryan was asked “what did you see on that last play?” “Well” he replied “It was like watching everything I have worked for this season go down in flames, or up in smoke. Did you ever see the Hindenburg crash? It was a lot like that except without the silly balloon “
Final score the JETS 10 the Titans 14. And neither one of these teams could make the playoffs
Well that is it for us this week we Trust that everyone will have a great Christmas season and we hope to talk to you all next week.
And like we always say…
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
I don't want a doll, no dinkey tinker toys
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use a dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door
That's the easy thing to do
I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy, what surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinosaurus
I only likes hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me, too
Mom says a hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment