Stroll down the NFL Boulevard
Week 2
What is funny is that the more things change the more they stay the same. Some things are just a given and some things well just don’t’ make sense no matter what you how much you turn them over in your head. So let’s take a look at this week’s offering by the schedule maker in the N F L… Expo are you ready? Then let’s get started…
First up we start in Wisconsin and the NFL’s over saturation of Primetime games. We now have this game on the NFL Network so Deon Sanders, Michael Irvin and Steve Mariucci have something to do on Thursday nights. They can shoot off their big mouths trying to be ESPN. We can only say “Come on Man!!!” You are no Beast!!! Even though Da Bears were playing, well they really didn’t play but they showed up, well did they really show up? Well at least they went to Wisconsin right? We are not sure if they did or not, Jay “Cut my foot again” Cutler had a wonderful game, after telling the Packer secondary that he was going to cut them like Jack the Ripper did to those whores back in the day. He had 4 interceptions, 7 sacks, 8 knockdowns, 1 twisted ankle, 1 black eye and 1 deflated ego.
Final Score da Bears 10 the Packers 23. Our grandfather used to tell us when we were little to not cut our foot walking across the barn yard. It meant not to step in cow poop.
Up next let’s head south to Miami, home of the Dolphins, home of Don Shula, and Jim Kick. And now home to the greatest running back in the history of the NFL. REGGIE BUSH was a “Beast” during this game. We guess he can take the next 6 games off as he has accounted for over 200 yards this game. The Raiders proved again why you can’t travel across the country and win. Hey Raider nation this game is 60 minutes you can win the first half if you like but you can’t give up 28 in the second half when you score only 3 points.
Final Score the Raiders 13 the Dolphins 35. We think that the “Just suck baby” slogan is starting to build up steam.
Next we stay in Florida as Houston is trying to win the Best Pro football team award in Florida. Well Matt Schaub may just be the Greatest Quarterback in Texas, but we are sure that there is some kid in High school who would beg to differ. Well as we looked in on this game we found that Houston had the ground game going and good ole Matt had to get in the act with 2 carries for -3 yards. Got to give it to your all ole Mattie Boy!!!
Final Score The Texans 27 the Jags 7. Tune in next week as Houston takes on NCFU (North Central Florida University).
In this year’s unstable battle of Ohio we find the Brownstains and the Bunguls in a hard fought battle that would pit brother versus brother, Sister versus sister, and family versus family. Unlike the Hattfields and the McCoys this game had no one die over a pig. Brandon Weeden had a good game for the Brownstains. Trent Richardson had a better game for the Brownstains as he had 18 carries for 109 yards with a long of 32, making his true stats 17 carries for 77 still not bad. But the Brownstains just aren’t the powerhouse that they want to be yet.
Final score the Brownstains 27 the Bunguls 34. Way to go kicking a field goal with 20 seconds left to not lose but double digits.
Now we turn to the first big AFL matchup of the week. We just love it when the scheduler gives us a great match up like this, with each team fighting for a win. Fighting for their first win, fighting to see who’s tradition will overpower the other. Then something unusual and something very common happened. The very unusual thing is that the Bills stood up to be counted, and the Chiefs did something very common which was they laid down. They laid down like a lady of the evening with no self esteem. Ryan Fitzpatrick was playing like he was more sober than drunk.
Final Score the Chefs 17 the Bills 35. This is not indicative of the AFL, and we think they know it.
Next we stroll over to the Beagles home opener. Someone should remind the Ravens that this season of Art Modell should be played for 16 full regular season games, for a full 60 minutes per game, for a full 15 minutes per quarter, no let downs, no taking plays off; no letting things slip through your fingers. This game was so difficult to watch. We would rather watch someone hold Michael Vick in a bucket full of water, and then maybe take some pot shots at Ray Lewis with Plaxico Buress’ gun, but none of that happen, too bad for us.
Final score the Ravens 23 the Beagles 24. Edgar Allen Poe would be disappointed.
Finally the Indianapolis Colts have a little Luck, Very little as they play the Viqueens in a tough matchup. Luck was 21 of 30 for 224, but he took 2 sacks and that is not good. But at least he didn’t throw an interception or have a fumble. The Viqueens all world running back Adrian Peterson had a great game carrying the ball 16 times for 60 whole yards. But he also caught the ball 3 times for 20 more. But this game could not hold the interest of anyone. Watching this game was like nap time at the Day care.
Final Score The Viqueens 20 the Colts 23. Thanks Adam Vinatieri for not letting this get to Overtime.
This next game can best be described has a gang fight. Ari-Freaking-Zona showed up with guns (touchdowns) and Patriots showed up with knifes (field goals). And as everyone knows that never works out. If this is the beginning of the end for Bella-cheat it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Sadly this turned into a field goal kicking contest. Hey Expo??? Do you know when the most important kick happens in a field goal contest?
Final Score the Cards 20 the Pats 18. The Most important kick is the last miss… Thanks Stephen Gostkowski…
On a stroll through Carolina the Aints still can’t find their coach. Sean Peyton was seen on a street corner tasting a little Carolina bar-b-que. During the game someone overheard Coach Peyton offer anyone in the restaurant a rib plate if they would go to the stadium and hurt Cam Newton. Mr. Newton tossed the ole pig skin around for 253 yards, then tacked on another 71 rushing. Well another game and another Aints loss.
Final Score the Aints 27 the Panthers 35. Chalk this loss up to Katrina as well…
Okay in the next game the stats tell a different story than what actually happened. We have said it over and over, This game is 60 minutes, not 30, not even 45, If you don’t play for 60 minutes then this is what can happen; Ellie can throw for 510 yards, on 31 of 51, and look like he has a laser arm. Ellie played well enough to throw 3 interceptions, and that was not good.
Final Score the Giants 41 the Yuccaneer’s 34. Did Tampa bay just quit?
In St Louis it appears that an old fashioned big 12 Shootout took place and Slingin’ Sammy Bradford went arm and arm with the Robert Griffin III. This was a battle of Epic proportions as the two teams fought tooth and nail through 3 whole quarters. Then the circus came to town, there were clowns, a lion Tamer, a couple on the tight rope with a bicycle, to go along with 5 punts, a missed field goal a fumble and a kneel down. Oh and a bearded lady, did everyone see the bearded lady?
Final Score the Deadskins 28 and Ewes 31. Oh wait, that bearded lady was selling herself on street corner after the game. Screwy Louis
After riding the high of beating the defending Super bowl Champions on the very first game on the 2012 season, the Cowgirls thought they were ready for anything. What they weren’t ready for were those hideous green uniforms that the Shehawks were sporting on Sunday. What was that Expo? Yea we thought so too… We thought that the color went out on TV. Or that we needed more Blue, because we had all the green we could stand. The only thing worse than the uniforms was the play on the field by the Cowgirls. After that game Cowgirl Head Coach showed that he was a true red head by lifting his skirt to reveal a soft patch of red fur. Birth Canal Team of the week as if you didn’t know!!!
Final Sore the Cowgirls 7 the Shehawks 27. Garrett was overheard chanting: Blondes are sweet, Brunettes are nice, but Red heads are the best!
We are not sure but it looks like the Tennessee Titans thought that best way to beat the Chargers was to score in first half, then score again in the second half. That resulted in 10 points. The Chargers thought that the way to win the game was to score 2 times in the first quarter, then once in the second, and once in the third, then twice more in the fourth. And since it wasn’t safeties that the Chargers we scoring… well you can figure out the rest.
Final Score the Titans 10 the Chargers 38. We have found that when the Chargers score more than their opponents they win more than 87% of the time.
Up next in the last game of the day, well before the night games, the J E T S jets, jets, jets, did one thing, and only one thing, right. They flat out sucked. What??? We can’t say sucked on the air? We can’t? It’s a TIM TEBOW thing? It is against God to say that a team with TIM TEBOW on it sucked? But they had 6 punts in 10 possessions. That is like 60%.
The final score the JETS 10 and the Steelers 27. We didn’t even mention that 20% of their drives ended the half.
If you were playing golf and took an 8 on a hole it would be considered kind of Cute to call it a snowman, because the 8 kind of looks like a snowman. And 8 is what the point differential was in the Sunday night game. Just a little advise to the Lions if you are going to keep up with the 49ers then you need to score in every quarter. And if they are scoring touchdowns, you can’t kick field goals.
Final score the Lions 19 the 49ers 27. Don’t really have a joke hear…
And finally on Monday night we finally get a good, close-up look at the Denver Broncos new all starting quarterback. He was 24 of 37 for 241 yards, not bad. But the 3 sacks are not good, and the 3 interceptions are not good either. This just proves our point that you can’t have 4 turnovers and win the game. After the game Peyton was asked about his game “Well I think I might should have taken off the wings I had on but Deon Sanders said I looked pretty good, so I left them on. “
The Final Score the Bronco’s 21 the Falldowns 27. And here we thought that “It is on!!!”
Well that will just about does it for us this week… we hope you have enjoyed it. Tune us in Next week.
And remember like we always say…
This happened once before
When I came to your door, no reply
They said it wasn't you
But I saw you peep through your window
I saw the light, I saw the light
I know that you saw me
'Cause I looked up to see your face
I tried to telephone
They said you were not home
That's a lie
'Cause I know where you've been
I saw you walk in your door
I nearly died, I nearly died
'Cause you walked hand in hand
With another man in my place
If I were you I'd realize that I
Love you more than any other guy
And I'll forgive the lies that I
Heard before when you gave me no reply
I tried to telephone
They said you were not home
That's a lie
'Cause I know where you've been
I saw you walk in your door
I nearly died, I nearly died
'Cause you walked hand in hand
With another man in my place
No reply, no reply
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