Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 7 2010

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 7
2010

Well here we are nearly half way through the season. We are watching everything really close as teams are trying to get to the playoffs while others it appears are trying to get a better draft pick. First let us talk about who is not playing this week. The Lions are lounging on the Serengeti, Peyton Manning and Justin Timberlake are watching a Sony blue ray of their commercials together, so the Colts are off. The Texans are in Houston trying to figure out why they are not in first place by themselves, and the NYFJ, The New York Football J E T S. Hey Expo did you know that the JETS were on a bye this week? You did? Why didn’t you tell us, so we wouldn’t have put 2 New York Jets on our fantasy team? How are we going to score any points with two guys on a bye week? Hell we don’t either. Okay well keep us informed please and kick it if you will.

Well we will start on the bottom and guess where the bottom is this week? New Stinking Orleans, the team that everyone believed in, last year, is now starting play like a team that has lost its way. Or maybe they just got lucky and they really aren’t has good as the experts say. Somewhere along the road from the superbowl the S-aints thought that they could just show up and teams would lie down. We mean hey they are the Superbowl champions right. Well the Browns Stains came to New Orleans for some fun on the French Quarter. So when the game started the Brown Stains were pumped up and ready to go. David Bowens was really ready to go has he had 2 of Drew Brees’ 4 interceptions. Not bad for a Defensive lineman? Not when he ran both of them back for touchdowns. After the game Brees was asked his team “We know the type of team we have. We know the type of work ethic we have. The effort is there. Guys want to win. Guys want to be great.” Well Drew, you can hope in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up fastest. We already know how that works. The S-aints did win something… Week 7 Birth Canal Team of the week.
Final Score the Brown Stains 30 the S-Aints 17. We have not seen this much crap in the Super Dome since it held the Katrina Refugees…

Next up the Train wreck that is Da Bears. This game was like a third grade lunch on any given Wednesday. You know where little Donnie and little Jay Jay make a trade of lunch that their mom packed that morning. You know they don’t know what is in their own lunch sack they just want the others guys more. So Little Donnie traded his day for Little Jay jays, it might have worked out except that little Jay jay had still had to play behind his Offensive line. And these guys could not hit the ground if they fell down from a standing position. During the game Bear Right guard Edwin Williams was heard asking Right tackle J,Marcus Webb, “Hey man did you hear? We aint getting no Christmas card from Jay jay?” “Yes I did. I like Christmas cards. It lets me and my family knows who is thinking about us and makes us feel loved.” Well Little Jay jay isn’t getting much from his line this week as he takes another 4 sacks. It is like this guy is the dog Catcher wearing milk bone underwear. Everyone is on his butt.
Final score Deadskins 17 Da Bears 14. The only good about this game is that it is over. Crappy Game on Fox for sure…

Now we want to talk about the game that included the Miami Dolphins and the Pittsburg Steelers. Oh wait here comes an official review from the booth. “After further review the call on the field is over turned but instead of doing the right thing we are just going to screw the Dolphins, Why you ask? Well because we can. So because we couldn’t tell that the ball did cross the goal line we figured that it did so we called it a touchdown. But after review we saw that it was really a fumble, but we just thought that it took us too long to figure out that it really wasn’t a touchdown and even though the Dolphins gave us the ball, that doesn’t really, mean that they recovered it. So by rule the ball goes back to the fumbling team and for shits and giggles we are going to call it fourth down at the huh??? Half yard line yea that it the half yard line. Okay so we have the ball here on the half yard line and it will be fourth down from right here. Steelers ball any questions??? Please submit in writing to…
Final Score the Steelers 23 the Dolphins 22. Dolphin head coach told the referee “Hey I feel the stinging pressure in my anus like someone is putting their thumb in there.” To which the referee retorted “Ta Da!!!!!”

Now in honor of Halloween the Jacksonville Jaguars started their ghost of a quarterback Todd Booman. How fitting that the Booman was starting this close to Halloween? What? What do you mean that is not how to spell his name? B O U M A N? Well that doesn’t sound like a ghost, that doesn’t even sound anything like a Halloween name. No it’s not, we agree not even close. Okay so what do we have on this game? Matt Cassel??? You are giving us Matt Cassel. Well screw that we will just give the score…
Final Score the Jags 20 the Chiefs 42. Hell we had a great joke about a Booman getting spooked for Halloween and it was just ruined. Thanks a lot….

Up next we head to Tennessee for the Kenny Britt show. As Kenny was getting ready for the game he went over to quarterback Vince Young and said “Hey if you throw it I will catch it and we will score touchdowns today.” Vince looked at him and said “Hey man I would love to throw the ball, but you better talk to the head coach because I am hurt and not playing.” So Kenny went to the Head Coach Jeff Fisher and told him “Hey coach if you get someone to throw up the ball then I will catch it and score some touchdowns.” Fisher turn Blurry eyed toward Kenny and said “You want to catch touchdowns and then throw up?” Well we felt like throwing up when we realized the Kenny Britt was on the sidelines and we had Bryon Edwards starting on our Fantasy team this week.
Final Score the Beagles 19 the Titans 37. Anyone else drunk with power like Jeff Fisher?

The Buffalo Bills had an Extra week to contemplate their Season and they came to decision that they are just going to try harder. So this week when they went to play Baltimore they stay focused and alert. They had over 500 yards in total offense. They had 27 first downs, and held the ball almost 39 minutes. They were sacked only 1 time during the game against a tough Raven defense and only punted the ball 2 times the entire game. Then in overtime with the scored tied at 34 Ryan Fitzpatrick passed the ball to Shawn Nelson, and he made a major mistake. He lost his focus and fumbled the ball giving it back to the Ravens who drove all 9 whole yards and kicked the game winning field goal. After the game Bills head coach said “This game was as embarrassing as being a junior high boy and realizing, while in the shower after PE, that you have the smallest penis.”
Final Score the Bill 34 the Ravens 37. Wow they were so close but they came up a little short.

The next game was a real back and forth battle. The Bunguls went to Hot-Lanta to play the Falldowns. They did everything correctly. Right down to tying their shoes in the perfect double knot. You know ones we are talking about? You know the perfect knot where each shoe lace is perfectly proportioned to the end and the loops are the same size and everything, where even those plastic things on the end of the shoe lace look good. Everything but win. We are reminded that previously Chad Ochocinco said “How can this team not go to the Super bowl with all this talent?” We have another question?
Final Score the Bunguls 32 the Falldowns 39. How can this team make the playoffs with all this talent?

Well now it is time to go to a funeral. The San Francisco 49ers are dead. And with that so might Head Coaching career of Mike Singletary. The 49ers proved that you can’t go across the country and win a football game. No matter how bad the other team is. Carolina had 2 weeks to prepare for the onslaught that that is the 49er defense. Onslaught? Onslaught ? Really? That is the word you want to use here? Onslaught? Okay well the onslaught apparently was just what the doctor ordered as the Panthers of all teams ended the 49ers season this day.
Final Score the 49ers 20 the Panthers 23 Onslaught? Really who writes this crap???

Up Next we will check in on Slinging Sammy Bradford and The Ewes. This is an up and down like they are on a roller coaster. One week they are up then the next they are down. This is a down week, Sammy didn’t play too badly he was 13 of 26 for 126 yards. However they only scored in 1 quarter. 17 points in one quarter is great, but if you don’t score anymore then your defense has to hold up under the pressure. The Ewe Defense held up like a Popsicle stick statue of the gateway Arch against the big bad wolf. Who in the case was Josh Freeman. He huffed (some paint) and puffed (a couple of left handed Cigarettes) and blew the Ewes statue down. (With one might blow so to speak). That wasn’t very nice.
Final Score Ewes 17 the Buc’s 18. Looks like the Buc’s had Lamb chops for Dinner.

Well next up it appeared that Orlando Mare took out all his frustrations on the Ari-Freaking-Zona Cardinals. He only needed 4 field goals to beat the Cardinals. But he got 5 just to rub it in. If this is the kind of game plan that Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt comes up with after an extra week to prepare, then he should look for a different job. Like maybe the guy who empties the spit buckets from a boxing gym? Mainly because his game plan wasn’t worth spit. So the SheHawks beat the Cardinals is that a stretch? Not really…
Final Score the Cardinals 10 the SheHawks 22. Really was this really a game or did someone in the NFL just make this up on a sound stage in Los Angeles??

No we will talk about the Chargers. How do you let Tom Brady and his Rapunzel like hair come to your town and win? Before the game Tom was overheard on the sidelines talking on his cell phone. “Yeah it is pretty cool in So Cal. But there are a lot more foreigners than I thought that there would be. And they are kind of dirty. Well yeah exactly, at least they are not Hawaiian. I mean that would be terrible. What? Oh I guess Hawaiians aren’t foreigners are they? But they are dirty for sure.”
Final Score the Pats 23 the Chargers 20. Stay Classy San Diego and possibly with a new coach???

And in the final day game we had an old AFL Matchup as the Oakland Raiders took on the Denver Bronco’s with TIM TEBOW. Let’s see how TIM TEBOW did. Well TIM TEBOW didn’t have a fumble and he didn’t throw an interception. But he didn’t have a completion either, nor did he attempt a pass. After the game he had last week you would think that he would have gotten into the game a play or two. But alas this game was so close that even TIM TEBOW couldn’t get on the field.
Final Score the Raiders 59 the Bronco’s 14. Good God how far out of hand does the Game have to be for TIM TEBOW to get in???

And Finally on Sunday the old man came home. Well in the first half the Viqueens came out and played like they had a chance to win. But after halftime and all the adjustment Brad Childress made the Viqueens find themselves behind. And even the unretireable Brett Favre couldn’t bring them back. Does anyone else besides us think that this is what the Viqueens were counting on when they went to Mississippi to get their legend quarterback to come back for one more season? We don’t think so. We think that they thought that the old man would lead them to the promise land. The land of milk and honey has turned into Vicodin and alcohol. The days of describing Brett’s long passes down field for scores now mean that he texted some former female coworker a naked picture of himself. Is this the way he wants to be remembered? Well it is the way we will remember him…
Final Score the Viqueens 24 the Packers 28. Does any else think the packers name is funny?

And finally the game everyone wanted to see. The home of Superbowl 45 we never did learn Roman numerals in school, we just assumed it was some kind of metric number and decided we didn’t need to learn that. Not a good Idea when we were 11 huh? Ellie was overheard in the Locker room after the game “Hey Mom is dad there? I really need to talk to him, we won the game and I want to talk to him about it.” Then from the other end of the phone he heard “well he was here but I think he went out around 7, He something about going somewhere and watching something, now what was that?” Ellie excitedly asked “Was it a Sports Bar to watch my game?” “Oh no… I don’t think so he was going to see Peyton, and Justin I think he said, to watch some old commercials and maybe [play some ping pong) Do you have a message for him I might see him in a little while when he gets back?” “Mom is Dad avoiding me? He never seems to be around when I call?” “Well your dad is a busy man son, he has lots of things going on, you know real high level secret stuff. He is a secret agent you know. “Ellie hung up and tried to keep a stiff upper lip but everyone could see the disappointment in his eyes.
Final Score the G-Aints 41 the Cowgirls 35. Looks like no Superbowl again for the Cowgirls.

Well that should just about do it for this week. We hope that you appreciate the effort this week; it has been a long one. But we will be back next week with more…
Remember like we always say…

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
And cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war,
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl, Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard 2010 Week 6

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard 2010
Week 6

Here we go again, in this never a dull moment season we call the NFL. Before we get started we need to let you know who didn’t play: Well Buffalo is hiding in Toronto this week looking for apartments, while Cincinnati is trying to figure out why they can’t score enough to win a game, Arizona is trying to find themselves on a retreat in the desert, and Carolina is just trying to find someone to help them get a win this season. Now without any further waiting we give you this week’s entry. Expo do that thing you do…
First up like always we will start on the bottom and this week the Buccan game is on the bottom. The Saints came marching into Tampa Bay with winning on their mind. Before the game Buc Quarterback Josh Freeman was heard saying “Hey if we win this game we could be in First place.” Well let’s take a look at what Ole Joshie did to get his team to first place. Well he was 25 for 43 for 218 yards. oh that is not too bad … The S-aints took a page out of the Illinois Political voting scene as they scored early and often. Drew Brees threw for 3 touchdowns when actually 1 was enough to beat the Buc’s. Apparently the Buc’s were point challenged has they could only muster 6 points today.
Final Score the S-aints 31 the Buc’s 6. The Buc’s were not vaginally challenged as they are the Birth canal team of the week.

Up next we head to the town were the Quarterback knows about the Vejay-jay, and that would be Pittsburg and Big Ben Roethlisberger. With his suspension over Big Ben came back to his team and in a meeting early in the week told his team he was sorry for putting them in the position he had and he would try to do better next time. Linebacker James Harrison was heard saying “Hell, we went 3 and 1 while you were gone, but at least my twin sister is safe now because I know where you are.” Troy Polamalu retorted to Harrison “Man your twin sister has been safe all along. She is pretty ugly if she looks like you. I don’t think Big Ben would go after her.” Big Ben had a nice day and the Brown Stains Quarterback Colt McCoy didn’t look too bad. He went 23 of 33 for 281 yards. Do the Brown Stains have something to build on?
Final Score the Brown Stains 10 the Steelers 28. We doubt they have anything to build until the Mangenius is gone.

Up next we head to Missouri where the air is clean and fresh because all the factory jobs are gone. The Ewes are going to make us change their name if they keep playing like this. Slingin Sammy Bradford had another good week as he tossed the old pigskin around to 9 different receivers, but he took 3 more sacks, and that is not good. He needs to get out of the way a little more often or he is going to get hurt. Speaking of getting hurt Charger Head coach Norv Turner is taking but kicking like a man. And we hear all “this don’t worry the Chargers always start slow”. Well we aren’t sure how slow they want to start, but only 6 teams have a worse record than the Chargers.
Final score the Chargers 17 the Ewes 20, do we dare say the Rams.

Next we head to the city of Brotherly shove. After the first game of the season we were told that Kevin Kolb would be the starting quarterback after he comes back from injury. Then when “Dog Killer” Michael Vick pulled up lame, Head coach told everyone that no matter Kevin Kolb does in these couple of games Michael Vick is the starter when he returns. So let us show you how bad Kolb played this week 23 of 29 for 326 yards and 3 touchdowns. He tossed the ball to 7 different teammates. We have always subscribed to the thought that if you have two quarterbacks that can start in the league then you probably don’t have one because they are going to fight to be number one and the fans are going to fight for one, and it tears a team apart. When we think like Andy Reid we know one thing for sure…
Final Score the Falldowns 17 the Beagles 31. When we think like Andy Reid we are hungry… That guy looks hungry all the time….

Up next we talk about Da Bears… Is there anything worse than watching a car roll end over end down the road? It is like watching Jay Cutler get sacked, knocked down, and hit every time he drops back to pass. This is crazy, how many times has he been sacked this season like 50? We know a few people who are getting scratched off his Christmas card list. All of those Jack Wagons in front of him when the ball is snapped. Hell these guys can’t block out the Sun at noon, 1pm or even 3 o’clock. Who lets the SheHawks come to town and beat you??? No put your hand down… we know. Da Bears.
Final Score the SheHawks 23 Da Bears 20. Cutler is from Vanderbilt University we thought those guys were supposed to be smart. Maybe he played at Gloria Vanderbilt University.

Now we head to Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Oh no this looks more like a Government housing project than a neighborhood. There are people just wondering around with pistols in the waist bands looking for someone to rob. There are winos on the street and apparently King Friday XIII has pimped out Princess Margeret H Lizard and Queen Sara Saturday. Miami Quarterback Chad Henne was heard asking “Is this Wisconsin? Damn… It looks like Detroit.” Ricky Williams spoke up “It looks like a good place to get a bag of weed and I would know” Coach Mike McCarthy was seen in the corner of the end zone asking if anyone needed a watch?
Final Score the Dolphins 23 the Packers20… It turned out to be a good place for Miami to get a win.

In this week’s installment of “Why doesn’t my daddy like me as much as my big brother?” Ellie Manning invited the Lions to town, after the game he was overheard on his Cell phone “Hey Mom. Is dad around? I wanted to tell him about my game today.” “Well son” the voice on the other end said “Your dad has been real busy around here, there were some leaves to rake, and the shrubs needed tending to.” Ellie face turned to disappointment again then he asked “Has he seen any of my games this year?” “Well dear.” The voice said “your dad watched that game you had on Sunday night a couple of weeks ago. I know he watched that one because he had his favorite Jersey on. You know the one it’s Blue with the #18 on it? It even says Manning on the back… I think that he had it personalized.” “No.” a dejected Ellie said into the phone. “It is Peyton’s.” With tears welling up in his eyes, he hung up the phone and opened a box of Oreo Cakester and didn’t stop till he finished the entire box.
Final Score the Lions 20 the N Y F G 28. Hey yard work is important too… don’t eat the whole box Ellie…

In a game that was dubbed the duel in the sewer the Chiefs came to Houston looking to get back to the winning ways like they had when they won 3 in a row and were undefeated… In a Quarterback Skill competition Matt Cassel went against Matt Schaub and the balls were flying around like a kickball tournament during recess. Cassel was 20 for 29 for 201 yards and 3 touchdowns. Schaub on the other hand (not with the other hand) was on fire going 25 for 33 for 305 yards and 2 touchdowns. It looked like what this game came down to something else? Well maybe not. Well we guess we can say that this game like many others came down to scoring, and we are reminded the expert commentary in which the analyst said; “Well if the losing team had scored more points this game might have ended differently”
Final Score the Chiefs 31 the Texans 35. Well it just goes to show that if Houston scores more than the other team they win usually….

Up next we find a slug fest in New England. And everyone was ready. The Ravens brought their A game, but 9 punts are not going to win you a cutie doll at the fair. But it will make your kickers leg tired. Tom Terrific did lots of things right this weekend, but getting a haircut was not one of them. That guys needs a haircut and soon or he will need a bigger helmet to put that fat head of his in. We just hope someone pulls him down by that hair. And Terrell Suggs might just be the one to do it. He told Tom Brady that he didn’t want to face the Ravens again. Brady to his credit could add and told him “Look at the scoreboard big boy, maybe you don’t want to play us again?” Suggs checked the score and realized he had just been beaten by the Patriots.
Final Score the Ravens 20 the Pats 23 in Overtime. When Brady was asked about Suggs Brady replied “If he doesn’t want my peaches, tell him not to shake my tree.”

What does Zach Miller, Darrius Heyward-Bay, and Michael Bush all have in common? They all have the pleasure of catching a pass from Jason Campbell. And what do Takeo Spikes and Manny Lawson have in common? They also caught a pass from Jason Campbell but they play for the 49ers. Without the Polish Punisher to knock a couple of field goals the Raiders would have drown out there in the bay. This game should have been considered the Bay of Pigs. The 49ers are finally one game closer to the division championship they hoped for when the season started. Now can they win another game? How many more teams will try the Jason Campbell experiment? Right now he is the poster child for the stupidity of the combine or work out guy… If this guy can throw the ball 70 yards in the air, that is great. But can he make the 10 yard out throw. He can’t do that and that is problem.
Final Score the Raiders 9 the 49ers 17. That and the fact that he sucks, are there any other reasons out there? Oh yea he is from LSU? But that one might not count.

Apparently what has been missing from the Denver Bronco’s offense has been a little TIM TEBOW. For weeks now we have been building to the day when TIM TEBOW actually got on the field during the game. Well Sunday it finally happened. TIM TEBOW got on the field and scored like Ben Roethlisberger whether the girl wanted him to or not. But the funny thing is that the TIM TEBOW score inspired the Bronco’s so much that they still lost. But let us savor the moment of TIM TEBOW actually getting into the game and rushing for a touchdown. Looking at his stats it is necessary to say that TIM TEBOW didn’t have enough carries to win the game. He had 6 carries for 23 yards with a long of 6 but more importantly he had a TOUCHDOWN.
Final Score the J E T S 24 the Broncos 14 TIM TEBOW 6. Hey only 2477 more yards to go, to get to 2500…

And now we should talk about the last game of the day. This was the most anticipated game of the day and quite possibly had the most on the line. Let’s look at the stats to see where things got going; we will spin the wheel of stupidity and see where it lands. Return yardage is what the wheel stopped on this time the Viqueens had 158 yards and a touchdown. Huh they only had 188 yards on offense that accounted for 2 touchdowns and a field goal. Not bad for a half but a whole game? The Cowgirls looked like a team that is not very good, thank goodness they lived up to it. When we spin the wheel of stupidity we see it lands on Penalty. Is there another team in this league, college, or high school that makes this many stupid penalties? We honestly do not understand why people get so excited by scoring a touchdown. Well you just executed a pass play that scored a touchdown and all hell breaks loose it is like you just won the superbowl, or the lottery. Maybe the Cowgirls get so excited because they thought that they might win a game. But turnover Tony Romo made sure that would happen. What do Buffalo and Carolina have in common?
Final Score the Cowgirls 21 the Viqueens 24. Both of those are looking up at Dallas in the win column. The view must be terrible. And we don’t mean the TV show…
And now for the last game of the day. The Indianapolis Colts came to Washington DC and took the tour of the Lincoln memorial, then went by the Washington monument. After that they went to the Stadium and kicked a little Deadskin butt… After the game Peyton was heard on his Cell phone saying” Yea Dad we kicked their butts. Yep I had over 300 yards and a couple of touchdowns. Hey did you get those leaves racked up like you were talking about? Yea Great how about those Shrubs? Fantastic. Hey did you hear about Eli’s game?” to which the voice over the phone said “No I didn’t.” Peyton explained “Well I have not had a chance to look it up on the internet. Justin Timberlake and I are going out to play Ping-Pong. “ Donovan McNabb looks like he did last year, like he needs a hug, but Mike Shanahan doesn’t look like a coach ready to take on that challenge.
Final score the Colts 27 the Deadskins 24. Does Archie know he has 2 sons?

And For the last game of the week we find the Tennessee Titans going south for a tough AFC South Battle with Jacksonville. After the first quarter both starting Quarterbacks were out and the game slowed down to a drinking game everyone should try this. The Rules are easy you have to drink when the third person in the booth (Jon Gruden) says he likes someone or something or repeats the same thing in the previous sentence, and for good measure drink a double whenever he mentions “Jaws” or himself. Hey Expo would you search the internet for a circus missing a clown because we found one on the Monday night football crew. And we need to get him off the Television. We couldn’t finish the game because we ran out of booze.
Final Score the Titans 30 the Jag’s 3. Thanks goodness Josh Scobee is on our fantasy team because this game stunk it up otherwise…

Well that will do it for us again this week. Is everyone starting to pencil in their playoff teams? We are a third of the way through the season. Don’t forget to check out the song below… until next week…
Remember like we always say…

Well you should see Polythene Pam
She's so good-looking but she looks like a man
Well you should see her in drag dressed in her polythene bag
Yes you should see Polythene Pam
Yeah yeah yeah

Get a dose of her in jackboots and kilt
She's killer-diller when she's Jacked to the Hilt
She's the kind of a girl that makes the "News of the World
Yes you could say she was attractively built
Yeah yeah yeah

She came in through the bathroom window
Protected by a silver spoon
But now she sucks her thumb and wanders
By the banks of her own lagoon
Didn't anybody tell her?Didn't anybody see?
Sunday's on the phone to Monday,
Tuesday's on the phone to me

She said she'd always been a dancer
She worked at 15 clubs a day
And though she thought I knew the answer
Well I knew but I could not say.

And so I quit the police department
And got myself a steady job
And though she tried her best to help me
She could steal but she could not rob.
Didn't anybody tell her?Didn't anybody see?
Sunday's on the phone to Monday,
Tuesday's on the phone to me
Oh yeah.

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard 2010 Week 5

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard
Week 5 2010

Well good morning everyone. Wow what a week. And we now have another one in the books. First up let’s talk about who didn’t play, well at least the ones who weren’t supposed to play, the Dolphins, Bill Bella-cheat’s Patriots didn’t play either, the SheHawks were like a Brunette on Saturday night, (no action ), and big Ben Roethlisberger had one more high school homecoming queen to dance with this week. So with that out of the way... Expo are you ready? We are ready over here… then let’s do it!!!

Okay let’s start at the bottom and how fitting that the bottom is Carolina. Last week Da Bears had a terrible game. This week with Jay Cutler out of the game they turned to their trusty Boo Boo, trying to catch lightning in a bottle so let’s look at what Todd Collins did. 6 for 16 for 32 yards with 4 interceptions… OH MY GOD is this right??? He had a quarterback rating of 6.3??? Holy Crap. We have seen better effort by kindergarten kids trying to tie their own shoes before recess. And what do we say about the Panthers? Jimmy “The Pickle” Clausen was so good that Head coach John Fox put Matt Moore back in the game. He went 9 for 22 for 61 yards with an interception. Talk about a hideous game to watch, this has to win something??? How about the crappy game on Fox…
Final Score Da Bears 23 the Panthers 6. Well nobody was watching anyway…

Up Next we head to the great state of Michigan. Oh wait Michigan isn’t that great is it? Well Sam Bradford thought the best way to hide from the Lions defense was to make out like this was Halloween. So he dressed up like little Bo Peep. He had all his Ewes standing around then they let the Lions in the Stadium and the mauling ensued. While on the offense the only thing that Ewes could do was watch as Bo Peep and Danny Amendola played catch. With 12 Catches it appears that Danny is Bo Peep’s favorite target. Julius Peterson favorite target was Bo Peep. Peterson called to all his other defensive buddy’s “Hey you got to come feel this little soft patch of fur. It is right here under Bo Peep’s skirt.”
Final Score the Ewes 6 the Lions 44. Like Lambs being lead to slaughter. Oh and the Ewes are the Birth Canal team of the week.

Up next the reality check for the Chiefs came at the hands of the Indianapolis Colts. In a field Goal kicking contest both quarterbacks just sat on the sidelines. With Adam Venatieri beating Ryan Succop 4 to 3 until big stupid Mike Hart had to run in a touchdown. That clinched the game for the Colts. Okay we know. Now raise your hand if you really thought that the Kansas City Chiefs were going to win? We didn’t think there was anybody out there. After the game Peyton Manning was overheard saying “Hey why can’t I get on those Oreo Cakester Commercials with my brother?” to which head coach Jim Caldwell replied “Well if you would quit playing ping pong and taking tours of Sony with Justin Timberlake, you might.”
Final Score the Chiefs 9 the Colts 19. The Chiefs are the worst 3 and 1 team in the league.

Houston you have a problem. And it all starts and ends with Matt Schaub. Houston thought it was poised to take the next step as a franchise. However it looks like their next step is right back to .500 again. Maybe that is where they belong. The G-aints quarterback Ellie Manning had another stellar day racking up 3 more touchdowns and 2 more interceptions…. And let us look… nope no passes left handed today so we guess that is good. In the locker room after the game Ellie was heard on his Cell phone “Okay that hooded Menace is not Matt Schaub, so tell Shaq there is no reason to come to Houston.” Later he called his mom and was overheard telling her. “But Mom we won the game in Houston when we played here so that means that I am better right?” then his expression changed from a smile to a frown has the sound from cell phone came… “No son, I like you, but your Dad still thinks your brother is better than you. But your dad likes Justin Timberlake better than you too… “Too many left handed passes we guess.
Final Score the G-aints 34 the Texans 10. Why does that Oreo Cakester thing wear a headband? Does it really sweat that much?

Well here we are in Cleveland. Sorry but if the Falldowns had to come here then so do we. Whatever the question is we know the Eric Mangenius is not the answer. He has not had an answer since he was like in the second grade and the teacher asked him “What color is the grass?” Little Eric Confidently raised his hand and when called on he answered “Red.” The Teacher asked “Why do you think it is red? “ And he answered “Well our Quarterbacks keep getting hurt, we look like a MASH unit out there.” Oh wait maybe it wasn’t his second grade teacher; it was his press conference after the game. Anyway he still is not the answer.
Final Score the Falldowns 20 the Brown Stains 10. Sometimes we feel like we are in a Coors Light Commercial…

Up next we will talk about the Buccan game. Who would have thought that with 2 minutes left in the game and the Bunguls up 7 points that the Lead was safe? Well let’s back up a minute or so. With 3 minutes to go the Bunguls have the ball and are coming on the 2 minute warning. They decide to pass the ball. Hey we agree there are only 3 things that can happen right? 1. The ball falls harmlessly to the ground for an incompletion that stops the clock and you punt the ball forcing the Buc’s to drive the length of the field to get 10 points in the last 2 minutes of the game. 2. There is an interference penalty on the defense at which point the Bunguls get a first down and run the clock out (Cedric Benson had rushed for 144 yards on the day). 3. The ball gets thrown and is intercepted and it sets up the Buc’s at the 50 yard line. 52 seconds run off the clock and the game is tied. Nice play calling Coach Marvin Lewis. Well we see that you don’t learn from your mistakes because with 1:21 left in the game you are throwing the ball again and we only know of 3 things that can happen…
Final Score the Bunguls 21 the Buc’s 24. Really?!? Really?!? Do we have to go over this again???

Up next we find that the TIM TEBOW lead Denver Bronco’s headed to Baltimore home of the Ravens. Before the game a couple of the Raven Linebackers were talking about TIM TEBOW, when Ray Lewis walked up. He asked the question”What number is TIM TEBOW? I have been looking him for on the film and can’t find him.” “Hey Ray what are you going to do to him if you find him?” Lewis was asked. He replied “I am going to squeeze him till I get some Red Bull. You know TIM TEBOW sweat is the Active ingredient in Red Bull.” We think he will have to chase TIM TEBOW around to get him to sweat because he is not getting on the field at all…
Final Score the Bronco’s 17 the Ravens 31 TIM TEBOW 0. Hopefully the Bronco’s will be bad enough for TEBOW to get in a game soon.

In a rare Momentary Lapse of Reason the Buffalo Sabers played on Saturday and found that the N.Y.H.R (NEW YORK HOCKEY RANGERS) were a tough team… What? Well we thought that the Bills were riding the Maid of the Mist boat tour, well maybe not. We do know that Buffalo maybe the best winless team in the NFL. But that is like being voted the boy with the “Sweetest smile” in an all boy high school. And that is just creepy. No big Ben we don’t need your comment here
Final Score the Jags 36 the Bills 26. Is there anything else to say about this one??? We didn’t think so.

This week Mister Rogers Neighborhood went on the road to Washington. They are still looking for a neighbor, won’t you be one? We will not, we don’t like the sweaters or those crazy shoes? Okay so Donavan McNabb always needed a hug in Philadelphia. We guess he is getting one from Mike Shanahan because Donavan is playing like he did several years ago. His Offensive prowess allowed the Deadskins to punt 5 times on their first 5 possessions before kicking a FG just before Half. Then to start the second half his drives ended in 2 punts and his last drive of the third quarter ended in a turnover on downs. Wow that is 7 punts did you counts them like we did 7 punts ha ha ha… Opps sorry we just channeled the count there from Sesame Street and we were talking about the Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Then in the fourth quarter he had 3 drives that totaled 155 yards of the 373 yards for the day.
Final Score the Packers 13 the Deadskins 16. Maybe Graham Gano should get a hug he did win the game for them in overtime.

And now for a report on the Greatest Running back in the history of the NFL Reggie Bush. He didn’t play because he has a broken leg. And the Aints lost again. They really don’t look like the same as they did last year? Did Sean Peyton forget how to coach? Did Drew Brees forget how to throw the ball? Are they really two touchdowns worse than the Ari-Freaking-Zona Cardinals Really? We don’t think so. So this must be Reggie Bush’s fault. It can be no one else’s can it? We don’t think so. So without Reggie Bush the Aints Came out strong and finished up weak. We did love the way Beanie Wells played for the Cardinal. 20 carries for 35 yards, what were you using a cane??? If that doesn’t spell S U C K we don’t know how to spell it.
Final Score the Aints 20 the Cardinals 30. Hang on let us spell check that word, just to make sure…

And now let us take a look at Norv Turner and his band of misfits, nerds, and retards. Good God is anyone coaching the Special Teams for the Chargers? Well Steve Crosby is listed as the coach but we think that this guy must be blind, deaf and dumb. Getting a punt blocked for a touchdown is a terrible thing. Getting two punts blocked in the first quarter is like getting bitten by a snake on your man parts twice. We t that the Chargers are snake Bit Phillip “Old Man” Rivers is trying his best but his best just isn’t good enough when he has to fight his own special teams. However two fumbles from his hands didn’t do much help his cause. As for Oakland’s Tom Cable, he should be thanking his lucky stars that his team was the benefactor of 16 points from the Chargers. It looks like the Jason Campbell experiment is back up and active, even though Bruce Gradkowski got hurt Campbell might have played well enough to win the job. We were told that the Raiders had beaten the Chargers for the first time in thirteen attempts. Too bad it took two blocked punts, and three fumbles.
Final Score The Chargers 27 the Raiders 35. Another week of this and Chris Burke from “Life goes on” will be the Special teams coach for the Chargers. Go Corky!!!

And lastly we get to the Cowgirl game. From what we have seen this team is not very good. They have some people who have talent, but in this case the sum of the parts is less than the individual pieces. Cowgirl Quarterback Tony Romo had the perfect quote “Good teams overcome these kinds of mistakes.” Nice Sound bite, however good teams don’t make these kinds of mistakes, you Jackass… Not to nice to have a team gain a hundred yards you, even worse to give up over a hundred yards in penalties. There were more flags on the field in that stadium than what there would have been if a dozen belly dancers doing the dance of the seven veils at halftime. Watching this game was like grading a calculus test completed by first graders. You want to give them something for the effort, but you want to kick them for trying to do something they can’t do, and right now the Cowgirls can’t win a game to save their coaches life. Hey Wade start looking for a life boat because your Titanic is going down fast. You are Tarnishing the good name of O.A “Bum” Phillips.Final Score the Titans 34 the Cowgirls 27. Oh wait hey Wade maybe you should have been named “Bum” your team is sure playing like one, or a wino we really can’t tell.
And lastly on Sunday night the Beagles traveled across the country and found a very hospitable team in the 49ers. On the sidelines before the game Beagles Quarterback Kevin Kolb was talking to 49er quarterback Alex Smith. “Hey man it must be nice for you here in San Francisco. You don’t have to worry about being replaced.” “Well” Alex replied “It is not all peaches and cream over here in the land of fruits and nuts. Now I have David Carr backing me up, which is lot like having a militia army made of fourth graders carrying pea shooters. I could get pulled, but I am going to be going back in soon because I am better than him.” “Wow you have the life.” said Kolb “I on the other hand have to watch my step and make sure that my backup doesn’t drown me in the shower after the game.” Well we can tell you that San Francisco might be the only winless team in the NFC Wes that has a chance to win its division, which isn’t saying much. Alex Smith should be looking over his shoulder or David Carr might just drive over him.
Final Score the Beagles 27 the 49ers 24. How much longer is Kevin Kolb going to have his job?

And for the Final game of the week the Viqueens went to NEW JERSEY to play the J E T S in a driving rain storm. They had everything they needed, Adrian Peterson who rushed for 88 yards on 18 carries, Randy Moss who had 4 catches for 81 yards and a touchdown. And they had the Unretireable Brett Favre. Brett has played so long in the league he has all the records, like the most touchdown passes, the most completion yards, the most interceptions thrown, the most fumbles, the most times retired and the most time unretired. He also holds a couple more unofficial records, like most games ending with an interception, and most times sexting himself to former J E T Employees. Hey even Mark Sanchez admired that record.
Final Score the Viqueens 20 the J E T S 29. Okay so what is gray shriveled up, and on your phone? A naked picture of Brett Favre’s… Well you know.


Well that should just about do it for this week. We hope you have enjoyed this week as much as we have. Time is flying by this season so keep on reading and we will keep on typing. We would like to dedicate this issue to that person out who makes us laugh. We think you know who you are…
And remember like we always say…..

Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong, but bye
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up
When you fall
Who's gonna hang it up
When you call
Who's gonna pay attention
To your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears
When you scream
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down
When you shake
Who's gonna come around
When you break
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight
Oh you know you can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 4 2010

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard 2010
Week 4

Well here we are again the end of another week. Before we get started we have a few things to tidy up first. Let’s talk about what teams didn’t play, the Cowgirls, the Viqueens, the Chiefs, and no Buccan game this week. Now what that did leave us is a few games to discuss, so let’s get to it!!!! Expo Kick it.

First up we will start at the bottom in the only game in the state of Missouri, the SheHawks came a calling and they had no answer for Slingin Sammy Bradford. The Ewes have had a remarkable turn of fortune and have won 2 games in a row for the first since the economy was good, you know way back in 2008. After the game SheHawk Head Coach Pete Carroll was asked how he thought his team was playing “Well we win one then lose one then win one, then lose one. I guess we will win our bye week, and that is good. Hey when do we play Arizona St, they are always good for a win?”
Final Score the SheHawks 3 the Ewes 20. Would someone tell Coach Carroll that he is in the NFL again…
Now we get to the absolute black hole of the Bottom, New Jersey. Don’t you just hate when you are expecting one thing and you get another, like when someone runs the ole 23 skidoo on you? Before the game Ellie was heard yelling at Da Bears, “We are going to beat you like you some little brother, that everyone thinks is going to be good, but really is just a shell of their big brother, and his famous dad.” Way to go, that will really get them scared of you… But it took a G-aint defensive game to put Da bears back in their place, as they sacked quarterback Jay Cutler 9 times and gave him a concussion. At half time a sobbing Jay Cutler was heard saying “Look they are treating me like Cindy Bear out there.” Then he said “They have sacked me so many times I just can’t take it anymore. I have a complaint. Why can’t we just be birth canal team of the team this week?”
Final Score Da Bears 3 the G-Aints 17. There there Jay you are Birth Canal team of the week, now pull your skirt up…

Next up a game with teams going in 2 different Directions… The Ari-Freaking-Zona Cardinals have done everything they can do to get past the loss of Kurt Warner. However Handpicked Matt Leinart is in Houston of all places and now cast of from the Cleveland Brown Stains Derek Anderson is running the show. It is not the greatest Show on Earth. Come people these are the Cardinals we are talking about it. Norv Turner fixed his kickoff team thank God; he had enough time to practice it this week. One more thing. Kicking a field goal to get your team to a 31 point deficit is like a death row inmate asking for a doggie bag after his last meal.
Final Score the Cardinals 10 the Chargers 41. Not much else to say about this one…

Up next we will head to Atlanta and a little know fact in the NFL. Teams really need to score in every quarter. And if they don’t they may just get beat. Such was the case this weekend as the 49ers travel across country. They roared out to a 14 to 0 lead in the first quarter then watched as the Falldowns methodically rolled up and down the field to the victory. What do you call Punt, Punt, Interception, Interception, Punt, Punt, and Punt?
Final Score the 49ers 14 the Falldowns 16. That is what we call a poor 3 quarters of football…

Now we head to Buffalo and find that the Saber’s were playing the Flyers. Buffalo had a great game as they scored 9 goals. What? Yes Buffalo is the game we are talking about. What do you mean they played the Jets? I show here that they played Flyers, yea and they even scored 9 points and held the Flyers to 3. Well, no, the Flyers don’t play football, but isn’t hockey considered hockey in Canada? It’s not??? But this Buffalo Team won. The other game on Sunday??? Well J E T S played a good game…
Final Score the J E T S 38 the Bills/Sabers 14. Hey the Bills scored to get the game to only 21 points behind.

Up next we will head to the still hurricane ravaged City of New Orleans. How long do we have to hear about the Katrina hurricane that blew into New Orleans like the big bad wolf, when it blew everyone’s house down? At the stadium before the game there was one person carrying a picket sign. A reporter asked him why he was picketing the World Champion New Orleans Saints. He replied “Saints Owner Tom Benson Hates White people…” When the Reporter queried has to why he had this opinion. He replied “well maybe he just hates me because he hired some old Guy to kick field goals this week.” Well John Carney rolled his wheel chair out on to the field and kicked a 25 yard field goal to win the Game…
Final Score the Panthers 14 the Saints 16. Poor Garret Hartley… He has not gotten his FEMA check yet…

Now we will look to find Big Ben Roethlisberger celebrating his final game suspension by judging the Cheerleader competition for the Pittsburgh High School Area. While he got several phone numbers the rest of Pittsburgh was watching the Delaware destroyer Joe Flacco. He was taking the Ravens down the field in the fourth quarter for the game winning touchdown… Flacco was overheard saying at the end of the game “Hey since Big Ben is trying to get the autographs from those kids on Glee we could win this game”
Final Score the Ravens 17 Steelers 14. When will that show be over? All those kids singing and no one gets to vote them off the show…
Next TIM TEBOW went to Tennessee to play a game with all his Denver Bronco Teammates. During the game Bronco backup guard Eric Olsen was heard telling backup tackle Chris Clark “Man did you see TIM TEBOW eating a Chick-Fil-A on Sunday of all days.” Clark Replied “I sure did, and I heard that people with amnesia still remember TIM TEBOW.” During the Laughter TIM TEBOW came to the guys and said”Look TIM TEBOW can dribble a football and I will dunk on your Pumpkin head if you guys don’t shut up.” So let’s look at TIM TEBOW stats this week…. Well he didn’t get in the game, we guess that is why the Bronco’s won.
Final Score the Bronco’s 26 the Titans 20 TIM TEBOW 0. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing right?

Well Well Well the Cleveland Brown Stains have found the formula for winning. First you trade away and release your franchise quarterbacks, hire Mike Holmgren as a general Manager and then leave Eric Mangenius as the head coach to take the fall when the season is over. They finally won a game this week has they had all the vim and vigor a group of men fighting for something. And that something was Ohio. This my friends is the battle of Ohio. A rich and fertile piece of land nestled just west of Pennsylvania and West Virginia, South of Michigan, North of Kentucky, and East of Indiana. But is this Ground really worth Fighting for. We mean it has Akron and Dayton. But Canton is kind of cool…
Final Score the Bunguls 20 the Brown Stains 23. Even with T.O. getting over 200 yards couldn’t get a win for the Bunguls.

Welcome to this week’s edition of the Mister Rogers Neighborhood. The Packers are lucky to get out alive. What the hell was that??? These are the Lions you are playing winner of exactly 2 games in the last 2 years plus. How the hell does a team that thinks it is going to be a playoff team have a half like this???? Interception, Punt, Interception, and end of half is not a way to have a half. Unless you are like the Raiders. Well you did score 21points in the first half and that makes Mr. McFeely happy. And if Mr. McFeely is happy then we are happy we guess…
Final Score the Lions 26 the Packers 28. So let us get this straight… Someone named Mr. McFeely is not the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers right?

Now we will head to Jacksonville to find the Jags inviting the Colts to town. Indy showed up and thought that they had an easy game, but this was anything but easy. Peyton Manning was heard telling Head Coach Jim Caldwell with 46 seconds left in the game: “Well coach I think that just about does it. Get me the ball first in Overtime and we should win.” Then 46 later the Jags ran Josh Scobee out on the field. After kicking the game winning Field Goal from 59 yards out the kicker was heard saying “Hey you aren’t playing Garrett Hartley here in Jacksonville. You are facing Josh Scobee and I am kicking your ass 59 yards to win the game Ha!!!”
Final Score the Colts 28 the Jags 31. That is pretty bold talk for Kicker… We are just saying…

Up Next we will head to Oakland and find the Raiders. Oakland invited the Texans for a rough and tumble game. Matt Schaub was heard asking head coach Gary Kubiak “Hey how long have the Raiders had that emblem on the side of their helmets?” to which Kubiak relied “I guess forever, or 1950 when they started playing why?” Schaub shook while saying; “I thought that was Al Davis when he was a kid. But in 1060 Davis would have been what about 60? When he was a kid there were real pirates we guess.” Back to the game, Hey where are all those Raider Lovers? Yea the ones that thought the Raiders were going to contend? Well if you figure you need to get to at the very least 9 wins to make the playoffs, then the Raiders only have to win 8 of the next 12. We will be watching that for them.
Final Score the Texans 31 the Raiders 24. We wonder who poked that Raiders Emblem in the eye that caused them to have to have an eye patch?

And now for the game that everyone in Football was waiting on. Donavan McNabb got to go back to Philadelphia for the first time. It was quite a day for little Donnie-do as he was 8 of 19 for 125 yards. Is that all? High School quarterbacks have better days than that and they might score at the dance after the game (check with Ben Roethlisberger on that one) but he did have a touchdown and ran for 39 yards with his feet. Isn’t that weird? When the experts say that he used his legs or used his feet to make a play, does that mean he crawled around on nubs going to and from the huddle? Doesn’t he use his legs and feet all the time? But we digress. The Dog Killer got hit so hard that his ribs got hurt and he couldn’t come back to the game. Isn’t funny that Last March the Beagles had the riches of 3 quarterbacks and now it doesn’t look like they have one.
Final Score the Deadskins 17 the Beagles 12. We think we all could have waited for that.

And Lastly on Monday Night, we found out several things. 1. The Dolphins are hurting without Tuna Cakes. 2. The Patriots are maybe the second best team in the AFC East. 3 And Bill Bella-cheat thinks that the Randy Moss experiment is over. After three years + and a 40 and 12 record the Patriots thought that they could do better without him. After all the experts said on Draft day that you can mark the Patriots up for the next 4 super bowls at least and that didn’t happen the greatest coach in the NFL has to trade the Great Randy Moss. And what did he get for the greatest wide receiver in the game? A 3rd round draft pick. Coach Sparano called Norv Turner to find out what to do on the Special Teams.
Final Score the Patriots 41 the Dolphins 14. Hey Guys Just because they are special doesn’t mean that they have to be retarded…
Well that is it again for this week. We have been hearing about the how bad the games have been. And Parity is not a great thing but any day with football is a great day. Thanks again your all your support.
And remember like we always say….

Two gunslingers walked out in the street and one said
"I don't wanna fight no more."
And the other gunslinger thought about it and said,
"Yeh, what are we fighting for?"

I'm takin' control of my life, I'm takin' control of my life
I'm takin' control of my life right now, oh yeah

Well the crowd that assembled for the gun fight
Were let down, everyone hissed and booed
And a stranger told his Mrs., "That's the last one of those gunfights
You're ever gonna drag me to."

I'm takin' control of my life, I'm takin' control of my life
I'm takin' control of my life right now, oh yeah

Well the two gunslingers went ridin' out of town and
Were never heard from no more
And there ain't been a gunfight for a long time
Maybe never, but nobody knows for sure

I'm takin' control of my life, I'm takin' control of my life
I'm takin' control of my life right now, oh yeah