Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 13 2010

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 13 2010

Well well well, with 75% or three fourths, as we like to call it, gone, we can start to tell who is going to make a run into the playoffs. We don’t call it a tournament because it is the playoff. There are a few locks out there and a few that have been eliminated, hopefully we can sort it all out for you… so let’s not waste any time and let’s get to the this week’s Stroll. Expo? Give us something appropriate...

First on Thursday we find that the Dog Killer gets the National Audience. Thank God it was on the NFL network where only about 2 million homes get to see him. He did throw for 300 yards and rushed for 48 yards. He Lead the team in both categories. Well Matt Schaub did absolutely nothing to prove that he is an NFL quarterback capable of taking his team to the playoffs. So we guess that the Texans are going to be the favorite to win the AFC South next year, again.
Final Score the Texans 24 the Beagles 34. We can just hear it now. “Houston is and up and coming team and with a new coach they might be able to contend for the title in the AFC South.”

Starting at the bottom like we always do it is not interesting to find the Bronco’s there with the Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs have played well this season better than we expected. We guess that Matt “the Rook” Cassel has played well enough. One thing we are sure of is that Head Coach Josh McDaniels probably will not make the end of the week. What? Oh wait this just in. Josh Mc Daniels has been fired. Nice right here at Christmas time. We guess he should have played his secret weapon a little more. TIM TEBOW was asked what he thought of the firing. “Well I think firing is a good thing. Like firing a touchdown pass. Or firing a stiff arm across someone’s face mask as I run in for the score.” “No TIM TEBOW your coach just got fired” The reporter said “What does that mean to you?” “Oh I can neither confirm nor deny that comment”
Final Score the Bronco’s 6 the Chiefs 10. Did TIM TEBOW go to college? Or is this guy just and idiot? In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Tim Tebow. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Staying close to the bottom we find Jeff Fisher. Well we find Jeff Fisher’s bottom. In a great AFC South Battle the Jacksonville Jaguars went to the Tennessee and started to dismantle this proud franchise. Well actually Head Coach Jeff Fisher started to dismantle this proud franchise weeks ago, now he has no quarterback, unless you count Rusty “the Nail” Smith, or Kerry “the Virgin Tom” Collins. So back to this game for the 10 quarters that Vince Young has been hurt the Mighty Titans have scored 6 whole points. That is 2 field goals folks. 2 freaking field goals… The Titans are done now and with that so is Jeff Fisher right? If this comes to a standoff between the Owner who likes Vince Young and the Coach who doesn’t, who usually wins that battle?
Final Score the Jags 17 the Titans 6. Not much else to say about this one until the season is over…

And now for a game that had everything. It had 29 first downs, 23 points scored, and 16 punts. The game also had 8 penalties, 5 field goals attempted, 3 made field goals, 3 sacks, 3 interceptions 2 touchdown passes, 1 winner and 2 losers. 2 losers you ask? Yes there was only 1 person in the stands that had to endure this game, Thank God. Does anyone know what game this was?
Final Score the crappy team 13 the worse than crappy team 10. Do either of these teams even want anyone to know they played a game?

Wow is Mike Shanahan the greatest coach ever? First he benches Little Donnie Mac. Then Shanahan signs him for a contract extension for 78 million and Donnie responds by winning the coach 1 game since then. Now Shanahan is suspending Albert Haynesworth for conduct unbecoming to the team. What the hell is that? Conduct unbecoming to the team what, did he shoot the bird to the fans out in the stands? Did he step on someone’s head during a game? Since Coach is not saying then we are not sure. We guess we will have to speculate…. After the game against the rival Deadskins Eli was sitting in front of his Locker when that familiar ring tone came screaming from the top of his locker. “Oh When the Saints come Marching in Oh when Saints go marching in”… “Hey dad, we won again. Did you see?” From the other end of the phone came “Hell no I don’t watch your games. But I wanted to talk about your brother. He is really down in the dumps and needs you to lift him up. So I came up with this plan. You need to suck a lot more, stop winning so many games and let your brother be better than you so he can feel better. Alright do we have a deal?”
Final score the Giants 31 the Deadskins 7. What will Ellie do? Help his brother? Or continue to make himself a winner???

How do two teams heading in such different directions end up in the same place? Well Mr. Roger’s neighborhood was in full force this week as they rolled that little trolley that San Francisco rode in on. Can you just imagine an open air trolley in Wisconsin? We bet that was cold. Almost as cold as Aaron Rodgers was, as he was 21 of 30 for nearly 300 yards. And Troy “the DR” Smith only completed 10 passes all day.
Final Score the 49ers 16 the Packers 34. Man that Packers name makes us giggle.


Let’s talk about what is interesting. It is interesting what you can pick up from the sidelines of an NFL game. Let’s take Tarvaris Jackson, for example. For 1 and three quarters years Jackson has been watching Brett Favre from the sidelines, sitting with him in meetings, discussing check downs when Brett is not in a drunken stupor, Watching film of the other team while Brett texts naked pictures of his dingus to unsuspecting former female coworkers. Then Brett goes down to injury and Tarvaris gets his chance to show the world what he has learned. He throws 3 interceptions. But Adrian Peterson rushes for 3 touchdowns and the Viqueens were playing the Bills…
Final Score the Bills 14 the Viqueens 38. Is Brett going to play? Will his shoulder be well enough for him to play? Is the streak over? Only time will tell? Ohh we just got a text….

Looks like Da Bears stole another pik-a-nik basket. This Time from the Lioness’, When will Detroit win a game? This week after Detroit scored in the third quarter to take a 20 to 14 lead, they got so excited that they had 2 drives end in punts, and one drive end with a turnover on downs. Nice right and could only gain 47 yards. 47 Yards? In nearly a half of play you gain 47 yards? Are you kidding us? Well we now know why you can’t win. Hello Detroit you can’t move the ball. If you can’t move the ball then you can’t score it is pretty simple.
Final Score Da Bears 24 the Lioness’ 20. Hey Detroit grow a set and stand up a little okay? We think we may have been nice on you this season.

Well we have finally gotten to the point in the season where injured players come back. And look who is here? Guess who is back and playing? He is back at full speed. And he is the key to the game. Which game you ask? Any game he is in. So let’s see how he changed the game this week. REGGIE BUSH had 5 carries for 26 yards, with a long of 10 yards making his true stats 4 for 16 yards, not too bad. That is 1 carry a quarter. We guess you are not quite in full game shape just yet. So let’s see if we have any receiving yardage. Oh well he does. Let us see he has 3 catches for zero yards. Zero yards? He had a long of 9 yards. So that means he had 2 catches for minus 9 yards. We wonder if that was a minus 6 then a minus 3, or maybe a minus 5 then a minus 4? Well 8 touches for 26 yards. Nice huh?
Final Score the Saints 34 the Bunguls 30. That is production like TIM TEBOW… HA HA HA Ha…

And next we have an old AFC matchup as The Oakland Raiders went south to play the San Diego Chargers. Is the world really a better place when the Raiders are playing 500 ball? We can only guess that Al Davis is cheering for more victories than losses by the Raiders; however he must be asleep because the Raiders have been playing better. Jason Campbell is starting quarterback again for the Raiders and he did his best. His best resulted in a day of 10 catches on 16 attempts for 117 yards. Now that is production right? Hey as long as you win right?
Final Score the Raiders 38 the Chargers 13. Oh no is Al Davis awake? Oh no he just turned over….

Up next we go to a tough NFC South battle between the Falldowns and the Buc’s. The Buc’s had the perfect game plan for 3 quarters as they took a 17 to 14 lead into the fourth quarter. But then after going 3 and out to start the fourth quarter they punted and the Falldowns took the ball and promptly threw an interception. So with 12:24 left in the game and the Buc’s have the ball at Atlanta’s 39 yard line they proceeded to push the ball over the goal line for a touchdown and 24 to 14 lead. Head Coach Raheem Morris then decided to replace his regular kick off team with the combination of the invisible man, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, Amy Winehouse, the great pumpkin, count Chocula, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, that stupid purple dinosaur Barney, and one of the super Mario brother we think it was Luigi, and General Francisco Franco. The Falldowns kick returner Eric Weems said thank you very much as he streaked down the side lines for a touchdown to get the game close. Then the bottom fell out of the corn market futures completely and Buccaneers could do nothing as the Falldowns scored again to put the game out of their reach.
Final Score the Falldowns 28 the Buc’s 24. Another kickoff return for a touchdown… we will have to do some investigating as to why we have so many of these this year…

Up next we head to great northwest and find the Seattle Shehawks inviting the Carolina Panhandlers to town. Why anyone would want to invite panhandlers to their town is beyond us but it is Seattle so enough said right? Okay so the panhandlers didn’t stay long. They scored 2 touchdowns in the first 22 minutes of the game then they left the field and from what we can see, the offense never returned. It took a while for the Shehawks to get it together but after the Panhandlers left the field the Shehawks were able to get things going, and they finally kicked a field goal just before halftime. Then they scored 28 unanswered points. And as tradition would have it they sang the SheHawk fight after each score.
Final Score the Panhandlers 14 the Shehawks 31. I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay, I sleep all night and work all day I chop down trees and eat my lunch I wear pantyhose and bra….

And now we will talk about rule number 3 in the NFL. Rule number 3 states that no team shall travel across country and win, unless the destination is Ari-Freaking-Zona. So at the start of the game the Rams were trying to get on all four feet and the Cardinals struck quickly and kicked a field goal. The Rams stunned by the precision of the Cardinal offense went 3 plays and punted. The Cardinal offense scurried on the field and caught the Rams again off guard as they drove down the field and kicked another field goal. The Cardinals took their 6 to nothing lead and they thought that they had the game in hand. But these are not your older brother’s Rams, these are the Slinging Sammy Bradford’s Rams and they have no give in them when they are playing the Cardinals. Sammy showed what he was worth has he lead the Rams on 3 count them 3 field goal drives before the end of the first half to take a 9 to 6 lead at half time. Then in the second half the Cardinals fed up with their poor quarterback play decided to have a quarterback tryouts. They tried Max Hall, who should have been left in the hall, as he threw the ball 3 times with one completion to his team one interception, and one incompletion. He did have 2 sacks, which lost more yards than his completion was for. The out of the closet they brought John “The Skeleton” Skelton. 3 for 6 for 45 yards sucked a little less than anyone else they could have pulled from the stands.
Final Score the Rams 19, the Cardinals 6. It was like a being in the shower after a high school football, “lots of balls flying around but no real action to speak of.”

And now the game runs between the cowpies and the Colts. The cowpies started out on a 17 nothing run but the Colts came back 14 points of their own. Then the game went back and forth until a blocked punt put the Colts ahead, but a touchdown and 2 point conversion but Dallas back in the lead till Peyton drove the Colts to a game tying touchdown. In overtime Peyton threw his fourth interception and the Cowpies kicked a field goal to win it. After the game Peyton’s phone rang. “Yep? Oh hey how are we on that thing?” Peyton looks left and right over both shoulders searching for anyone who might hear. “I know my dad and mom spent some time in Kentucky back in 73 I think it was February, well Lachey was born in November ‘73 in Kentucky? Interesting.”
Final Score the Cowpies 38 the Colts 35. Peyton Throws 4 more interceptions he is on a Brett Favre pace we think.

On Sunday night we had a knock down drag out game between the Steelers and Ravens. When these two get together keep the kids and pets inside as you never know who is going to get shot. Or who is going to shoot for that matter. Taking lead into the fourth quarter the Ravens thought they had the game sewn up. But this is the Steelers we are talking about and they took over after a fumble at the Baltimore 9 yard line. Big Ben came into the huddle and told the guys “Look this game is ours for the taking, just like any underage girl coming out of the bathroom at any teen club in America. Sometime you have to take life either by the horns or by the hair and wrestle it to the ground till you have your way with it.”
Final score the Steelers 13 the Ravens 10. Did Big Ben learn anything in his female sensitivity training class?

And finally on Monday night we have the most anticipated game in the history of the NFL this Season. The New England Patriots have been pointing to this game for a while now, they got rid of Randy Moss, they traded for Deion Branch, and they practiced hard. They Jets on the other hand stood around and watched their coach make fun on Tom Brady, and his own super model wife instead of preparing his team to play. It was evident as the J E T S could only muster 2 field goal attempts, one they made and one they missed. The rest of the time Bill Bella-cheat held his foot on the neck of the J E T S while his team made light and sport of them and gave a dirty Sanchez to them all.. So like 234 years ago when the Patriots stuck it to the King of England. This night they stuck it to the King of New Jersey.
Final Score the Patriots 45 the J E T S 3. After the game a reporter asked “Racer X” Rex Ryan if he could take anything from this week game, he replied. “I sure can… My team was so gutless and weak; we won the Birth Canal Team of the week!!!”

Well they you go another week in the books. We know it is crazy this Holiday season and we want to wish everyone well as they hustle and bustle around from store to store to find that just right gift.
And remember like we always say…

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on quiet desperation is the English way

The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home againI like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire

Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.