Stroll donw the NFL boulevard Week 14 2010

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard Week 14 2010

Here we are again, trying to make sense of all of this. Sometimes it seems what is up is down, what is front is back what is right is actually left. We are trying to make sure put what has happened so we can give you the vision that you need. And we all need vision right? So Expo do your thing please…

Up first the NFL decided to take some pressure off of Peyton Manning and let him play on Thursday night. And did he respond? You bet he did. He went 25 of 35 for 319 yards. Nice game huh? Afterwards at the post game press conference Peyton was asked ”Who can you say helped you the most during this turn around game, your brother, your father, or your agent?” Peyton Scratched his head and thought for a second, looking whimsically into the crowd, until he saw a tall figure in the back wearing a long black coat and a gorgeous fedora with the brim pulled done low. Peyton responded “While I think it was a little of all three, I think that the issues that were holding me back are behind me, at least I think they are, and that might be all I need to get this team going again.” Later Peyton found a large Manila envelope in the back of his locker with the letters N L embossed on it. He slipped it into his briefcase and slipped out to his car without a word.
Final Score the Colts 30 the Titans 28. Oh no what is Peyton up to now? Does his mother know what he is doing?

What a debacle? Here we were thinking that Kansas City might be trying to relive past glory. Well apparently they were channeling Herm Edwards. We can’t even say that this was game. The chiefs had 9 completed passes, 8 punts, 5 first downs, 4 sacks 2 penalties and took away the ball once, but didn’t turn the ball over at all. In a game of futility the most futile thing they did was gain 67 yards; that has to be some kind of a record. People this is the epitome of a Team that didn’t care, did they have Christmas shopping to tend to? Or does everyone just suck one game a year. we think it is the latter, And if you told us that Kansas City was going to suck the worst this season we would not have put up much of an argument but hell actually watching the train wreck is far worse that just hearing about it. So your Birth Canal Team of the week this week is your Kansas City Chiefs.
Final Score The Chiefs 0 the Chargers 31. At least Brady Croyle kept his streak perfect. He has never won a game he has started. What a streak…

Oh no…. Mister Rogers’ neighborhood has been mugged. It was thrown to the turf and Mister Rogers has his second concussion of the season. Well who is his backup, surely they have a capable backup right, capable of beating Detroit right? As we pull the Curtain back to reveal the dream, the man, the legend in no one’s mind Matt Flynn. Who? Who the hell Matt Freaking Flynn? Well we know who he isn’t… He isn’t a starting quarterback in the NFL. Do we need the raise the Salary Cap, so we can find some backup quarterbacks who can do something? Oh we know what Matt Flynn reminds us of now. Do you remember the old electric football game that vibrated and the players moved down the field? Remember? You remember? Remember? He reminds us the one player who just went in Circles. Remember the most worthless player on the field the one who whirls around in a circle. Hello Matt Flynn.
Final score the Packers 3 the Lioness 7. Finally the Lioness took our advice and grew a pair. Let’s see if they get them cut off next week.

Up next we see that Jets were listening last week as the King of New Jersey got his team ready to play. But we think that they spent more time playing with themselves than they did playing the game of football. Oh they scored more than last week. What did they have 3 points? Hell they doubled that to 6 and we guess that their defense was better too, because they didn’t give up 45 like last week, they only gave up 10 points.
Final score the Dolphins 10 the JETS 6. No matter how we add it up. If you give up 10 and only score 6 you are going to lose… we have added it up a bunch of times and we just can’t get 6 to be more than 10…

Up next we find a tough battle of Lake effect snow teams, as the Cleveland Brownstains went to Buffalo to face the Bills. Interesting fact the other Peyton almost had more yard than his whole team. Peyton Hillis 21 carries for 108 yards and 4 catches for 10 more that is 118 yards total. The Brownstains only had 187 yards total in the game. That means that Hillis had huh… oh wait carry the 3 and subtract the four… well it is a lot of the offense we know that for one guy. Anyway Buffalo is trying to keep from getting the first pick on the draft, and they want to win, which is more than we can say for the teams discussed previously, but they are Buffalo so every game is up for grabs.
Final Score the Brownstains 6 the Bills 13. Another game with just 6 points? What the hell? 2 field goals good enough for you huh?

Okay so there was this great injustice as the officials who had to be paid by little Danny Snyder, and Big Mike Shanahan. The Officials gave the Deadskins an extra down, apparently 2 first downs is something that no one in the stands would ever notice. And no one noticed it till Tony Siragusa and he went out of his mind (we guess he had money on the Buc’s). Then on fourth down (or fifth down) the Deadskins scored a touchdown. That would tie the game with the extra point. So they line up for the attempt, (now we see why they call it an attempt) Then the snap goes high and the ball is bouncing back on the 25 yard line, someone scoops it up and tries to run it in, but alas to no avail the Mighty footballs Gods have taken care of it and that crazy Fox Broadcast team got it’s vindication. Deadskins lose. They suck for trying to cheat. What? What is it Expo? It was a first down? So the Deadskins got a first down and they scored on fourth down like the marker showed? Oh well never mind…
Final Score the Bucs 17 the Deadskins 16. God don’t like ugly. And Washington is pretty ugly right now…

Holy Crap Al Davis is awake. And he is mad. His Team is one game below 500 and he is looking for a playoff run. Playoffs? The Raiders in the playoffs? Somebody tell Al no, not this year. And does anyone know which foot of Jack Del Rio’s is kept hidden form the world? For years there has been speculation that Jack Del Rio has deformed foot, now we aren’t ones to point at someone’s handicap and make fun of them for it. We are sensitive to the wants of the Del Rio Family and the hurtful nature of the rest of the world if they found out the Jack Del Rio has Rabbit’s foot. We have been told it is a white and furry but that he keeps it hidden. Not wanting to get ridiculed, or to have people stare at it. What? Oh Jack Del Rio has a rabbit’s foot in his pocket for luck? Well that would be a lot different than what we were told. Okay sorry about that.
Final Score the Raiders 31 the Jag’s 38. Oh well that kind of explained why he could jump so well back when he played. But we weren’t sure why he didn’t eat a carrot on the sidelines like say bugs bunny?

Wow in a great battle of AFC North teams the Cincinnati Bunguls and the Pittsburg Steelers Carson Palmer stole the show. He threw 3 touchdowns, and his counterpart for the Steelers could only lead his team to 3 field goals. Oh wait two of those touchdown passes from Carson Palmer went to the Steelers. Oh crap. Palmer had a sucky day and now it looks like the Bunguls only scored one touchdown the first one then just kind of wandered around aimlessly on the field like a toddler looking for it mother in the grocery store.
Final Score the Bunguls 7 the Steelers 23. Hey this just in Carson Palmer threw his touchdown pass to a tackle. A Tackle? He couldn’t find a receiver open?

Up next at this time of year most people are in a giving mood. So there is an influx of people out collecting, those guys in the red suits ringing a bell, there are stores with trees that are decorated with names and gift requests for needy children, and then there are the real and fake homeless people on the corner with their little sign “Homeless please help me. God Bless” Now we are sure that these people need help, but do they just irritate you? They apparently irritated the Falldowns. Because when the panhandlers came to town and set up their cardboard signs at all the corners heading into the Stadium the Falldowns went out and yanked them out on the field and kicked the crap out of them.
Final score the Panhandlers 10 the Falldowns 31. John “not so sly like a” Fox, used Jimmy “the pickle” Clausen again. He needs to be fermented a lot more, he isn’t ready. But he is real crunchy when he hits the ground.

Okay so the SheHawks went to San Francisco and it looks like they dress appropriately. They had their big hoop skirts on and they were wearing some high heels it looks like as well. We think that during the coin toss the captains decided to play who can hit the softest. Looks like the Shehawks lost. Matt Hasselback couldn’t figure out who to throw the ball to as he had four interceptions, that my friends is one for every finger on his right hand except for his thumb. But is the thumb really a finger? Well for today discussion we will call it a thumb only.
Final Score the Shehawks 21 the 29ers 40. The game wasn’t even this close. And that is saying something…

So Slingin Sammy Bradford went to tour the hurricane ravaged city of New Orleans. He wonder around the French Quarter for while, took a walk on Bourbon street. Lifted his shirt and got some beads, then moved slowly towards the Superdome. He was saddened to see the ninth ward is still not growing and thriving as it did before Katrina. When he asked the tour guide how much things had been cleaned up since the Hurricane. The Guide replied “Oh we aren’t going to clean this part up, if people were crazy enough to live here before the flood they will come back again.” the he whispered “These people weren’t too smart to begin with, hell they cheer for Reggie Bush like he is good.” So with that said let’s see what REGGIE BUSH did this week. Wow 9 carries for 43 yards with a long of 9 making him an 8 carry for 34 yard day, not too bad 2 touches a quarter. Then he had 5 catches for 22 more yards. Oh my he is getting close to 100 yards just 35 yards away. Did he have any punt returns? Oh yes he did, 2 punt returns for 16 yards.
Final Score the Rams 13 the Saints 31. Wow such production 81 yards a game. No that is what we call a spare backup role…

Up next we find the traveling mystical tour AKA (Also known as) the New England Patriots. They blew into the windy city and blew the bears out. Tom Brady (who still needs a haircut) was spectacular in carving up Da Bear Defense. The Bear Offense was hibernating in a cave somewhere. Even Ranger Smith couldn’t help Da Bears.
Final score the Pats 26 Da Bears 7. It was cool watching them play in the snow…

Next up we go to Ari-freaking-Zona and find that even after Denver fired their coach they still can’t find a way to win. They should now be able to use TIM TEBOW to his fullest extent. Let’s check out his stats. At least he didn’t throw an inception but you really don’t have any interceptions when you don’t pass the ball. But he didn’t fumble the ball either. Hey we guess you have to get the ball in your hands to fumble right? So if we check the stats one more time we find that TIM TEBOW had 0 total yards. And the sad thing is that it looks like the Bronco’s could have really used him.
Final score the Bronco’s 13 the Cardinals 43… WE can’t believe that no one will let TIM TEBOW on the field to help. Did you know that when TIM TEBOW eats, he doesn’t have to wait 30 minutes before going swimming?

As we get to the final game on Sunday we are reminded that we live in politically correct country. And that in this country we are free, to a certain extent, to express our beliefs and views for the world to see. So with that said is anyone listening to the commentators when the words Michael Vick come up? He is a great quarterback now not like when he played before. It is like we are all supposed to understand that he wasn’t in the game for two years. And are we just supposed not ask what he was doing for those two seasons? Are we not supposed to ask why he was gone for two years? We are just supposed to accept the fact that he is playing at an MVP level. Well we know one thing for sure, he was the dog killing MVP of 2008 let’s talk about his game. He was 16 of 26 for 270 yards. But he had 2 passes that that totaled 150 yards. So that would make him 14 of 24 for 120 yards. Still a nice total but maybe not MVP worthy.
Final Score the Beagles 30 the Cowpies 27. Unless MVP stand for Most Vicious Player. Gosh he makes us sick…

Up next we find the craziest thing we have ever heard of. The Minnesota Viqueens deflated their Stadium and the sudden snow storm in Minnesota dumped 18 inches of snow on top of the stadium and the weight of the snow caused the roof to collapse. Thank God no one was in the dome when this happened. So the Stadium was not useable. So the NFL in its wisdom decided to move the game to Detroit. We think the NFL reason is that Detroit was the closest NFL city that has not seen any football. So both teams packed up and headed there to play on Monday night. So let’s look at Brett Favre’s day/night. Well he had a TIM TEBOW type night the only balls he touched were his own. So not only is the thrill gone, but the streak is over. Hey 297 is a nice round number that no one will ever catch 321 if you count playoffs. Well there was someone playing on Monday that kept their streak going. Ellie started his one hundredth game on Monday night, after the game in the post game press conference Eli took several question from a tall man in the back of the room wearing a gorgeous fedora “Have your parents ever been to Cincinnati?” “Well” Eli responded “They were there back in Feb 73 I remember it well because Peyton and I spent our Valentine’s Day with Moms parents, my grandparents. It was terrible except for when we held Cooper down and tried to get him to eat shrimp from the Gulf of Mexico. And when he didn’t eat it we torn pieces of it off and pushed it in his nose. Memories aren’t they great?
Final Score the Giants 21 the Viqueens 3. Where are the Viqueens going to play next week? Hey how about Denver they haven’t seen foot ball in a while?
Finally we get the final game of the week. And it was a barn burner. Except that no barn or farm animal was actually hurt in the playing of this game. But there were a lot of things hurt and most of them were the fans that had to watch those hideous uniforms that the Texans wore. Hey Red on Red is not good on anything unless you are putting monkey blood on an open wound or Santa Claus. And we think you know what we mean right? So after totally beating the crap out of Houston which took about the whole first half the Ravens decided to take the second half off. Hey ravens this game is 60 minutes not 30, not even 45. 60 full minutes. And if you had played the whole 60 minutes you would not have given the losers in Houston any hope of winning the game. but instead you let Matt Schaub complete a pass or ten and throw a couple of touchdowns to get the game to over time. Thanks God Matt Schaub showed us again his true colors even if it was in Red.
Final Score the Raven 34 the Texans 28. Ha Ha Ha Matt Schaub’s second interception was returned for touchdown in overtime…. And we know Santa Claus and Matt Schaub you are no Santa Claus…
Well that will do it for this week, 3 weeks to go. We hope you enjoy this as much as we do putting it together…
And remember like we always say…

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!