2010
Well here we are nearly half way through the season. We are watching everything really close as teams are trying to get to the playoffs while others it appears are trying to get a better draft pick. First let us talk about who is not playing this week. The Lions are lounging on the Serengeti, Peyton Manning and Justin Timberlake are watching a Sony blue ray of their commercials together, so the Colts are off. The Texans are in Houston trying to figure out why they are not in first place by themselves, and the NYFJ, The New York Football J E T S. Hey Expo did you know that the JETS were on a bye this week? You did? Why didn’t you tell us, so we wouldn’t have put 2 New York Jets on our fantasy team? How are we going to score any points with two guys on a bye week? Hell we don’t either. Okay well keep us informed please and kick it if you will.
Well we will start on the bottom and guess where the bottom is this week? New Stinking Orleans, the team that everyone believed in, last year, is now starting play like a team that has lost its way. Or maybe they just got lucky and they really aren’t has good as the experts say. Somewhere along the road from the superbowl the S-aints thought that they could just show up and teams would lie down. We mean hey they are the Superbowl champions right. Well the Browns Stains came to New Orleans for some fun on the French Quarter. So when the game started the Brown Stains were pumped up and ready to go. David Bowens was really ready to go has he had 2 of Drew Brees’ 4 interceptions. Not bad for a Defensive lineman? Not when he ran both of them back for touchdowns. After the game Brees was asked his team “We know the type of team we have. We know the type of work ethic we have. The effort is there. Guys want to win. Guys want to be great.” Well Drew, you can hope in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up fastest. We already know how that works. The S-aints did win something… Week 7 Birth Canal Team of the week.
Final Score the Brown Stains 30 the S-Aints 17. We have not seen this much crap in the Super Dome since it held the Katrina Refugees…
Next up the Train wreck that is Da Bears. This game was like a third grade lunch on any given Wednesday. You know where little Donnie and little Jay Jay make a trade of lunch that their mom packed that morning. You know they don’t know what is in their own lunch sack they just want the others guys more. So Little Donnie traded his day for Little Jay jays, it might have worked out except that little Jay jay had still had to play behind his Offensive line. And these guys could not hit the ground if they fell down from a standing position. During the game Bear Right guard Edwin Williams was heard asking Right tackle J,Marcus Webb, “Hey man did you hear? We aint getting no Christmas card from Jay jay?” “Yes I did. I like Christmas cards. It lets me and my family knows who is thinking about us and makes us feel loved.” Well Little Jay jay isn’t getting much from his line this week as he takes another 4 sacks. It is like this guy is the dog Catcher wearing milk bone underwear. Everyone is on his butt.
Final score Deadskins 17 Da Bears 14. The only good about this game is that it is over. Crappy Game on Fox for sure…
Now we want to talk about the game that included the Miami Dolphins and the Pittsburg Steelers. Oh wait here comes an official review from the booth. “After further review the call on the field is over turned but instead of doing the right thing we are just going to screw the Dolphins, Why you ask? Well because we can. So because we couldn’t tell that the ball did cross the goal line we figured that it did so we called it a touchdown. But after review we saw that it was really a fumble, but we just thought that it took us too long to figure out that it really wasn’t a touchdown and even though the Dolphins gave us the ball, that doesn’t really, mean that they recovered it. So by rule the ball goes back to the fumbling team and for shits and giggles we are going to call it fourth down at the huh??? Half yard line yea that it the half yard line.
Final Score the Steelers 23 the Dolphins 22. Dolphin head coach told the referee “Hey I feel the stinging pressure in my anus like someone is putting their thumb in there.” To which the referee retorted “Ta Da!!!!!”
Now in honor of Halloween the Jacksonville Jaguars started their ghost of a quarterback Todd Booman. How fitting that the Booman was starting this close to Halloween? What? What do you mean that is not how to spell his name? B O U M A N? Well that doesn’t sound like a ghost, that doesn’t even sound anything like a Halloween name. No it’s not, we agree not even close. Okay so what do we have on this game? Matt Cassel??? You are giving us Matt Cassel. Well screw that we will just give the score…
Final Score the Jags 20 the Chiefs 42. Hell we had a great joke about a Booman getting spooked for Halloween and it was just ruined. Thanks a lot….
Up next we head to Tennessee for the Kenny Britt show. As Kenny was getting ready for the game he went over to quarterback Vince Young and said “Hey if you throw it I will catch it and we will score touchdowns today.” Vince looked at him and said “Hey man I would love to throw the ball, but you better talk to the head coach because I am hurt and not playing.” So Kenny went to the Head Coach Jeff Fisher and told him “Hey coach if you get someone to throw up the ball then I will catch it and score some touchdowns.” Fisher turn Blurry eyed toward Kenny and said “You want to catch touchdowns and then throw up?” Well we felt like throwing up when we realized the Kenny Britt was on the sidelines and we had Bryon Edwards starting on our Fantasy team this week.
Final Score the Beagles 19 the Titans 37. Anyone else drunk with power like Jeff Fisher?
The Buffalo Bills had an Extra week to contemplate their Season and they came to decision that they are just going to try harder. So this week when they went to play Baltimore they stay focused and alert. They had over 500 yards in total offense. They had 27 first downs, and held the ball almost 39 minutes. They were sacked only 1 time during the game against a tough Raven defense and only punted the ball 2 times the entire game. Then in overtime with the scored tied at 34 Ryan Fitzpatrick passed the ball to Shawn Nelson, and he made a major mistake. He lost his focus and fumbled the ball giving it back to the Ravens who drove all 9 whole yards and kicked the game winning field goal. After the game Bills head coach said “This game was as embarrassing as being a junior high boy and realizing, while in the shower after PE, that you have the smallest penis.”
Final Score the Bill 34 the Ravens 37. Wow they were so close but they came up a little short.
The next game was a real back and forth battle. The Bunguls went to Hot-Lanta to play the Falldowns. They did everything correctly. Right down to tying their shoes in the perfect double knot. You know ones we are talking about? You know the perfect knot where each shoe lace is perfectly proportioned to the end and the loops are the same size and everything, where even those plastic things on the end of the shoe lace look good. Everything but win. We are reminded that previously Chad Ochocinco said “How can this team not go to the Super bowl with all this talent?” We have another question?
Final Score the Bunguls 32 the Falldowns 39. How can this team make the playoffs with all this talent?
Well now it is time to go to a funeral. The San Francisco 49ers are dead. And with that so might Head Coaching career of Mike Singletary. The 49ers proved that you can’t go across the country and win a football game. No matter how bad the other team is. Carolina had 2 weeks to prepare for the onslaught that that is the 49er defense. Onslaught? Onslaught ? Really? That is the word you want to use here? Onslaught? Okay well the onslaught apparently was just what the doctor ordered as the Panthers of all teams ended the 49ers season this day.
Final Score the 49ers 20 the Panthers 23 Onslaught? Really who writes this crap???
Up Next we will check in on Slinging Sammy Bradford and The Ewes. This is an up and down like they are on a roller coaster. One week they are up then the next they are down. This is a down week, Sammy didn’t play too badly he was 13 of 26 for 126 yards. However they only scored in 1 quarter. 17 points in one quarter is great, but if you don’t score anymore then your defense has to hold up under the pressure. The Ewe Defense held up like a Popsicle stick statue of the gateway Arch against the big bad wolf. Who in the case was Josh Freeman. He huffed (some paint) and puffed (a couple of left handed Cigarettes) and blew the Ewes statue down. (With one might blow so to speak). That wasn’t very nice.
Final Score Ewes 17 the Buc’s 18. Looks like the Buc’s had Lamb chops for Dinner.
Well next up it appeared that Orlando Mare took out all his frustrations on the Ari-Freaking-Zona Cardinals. He only needed 4 field goals to beat the Cardinals. But he got 5 just to rub it in. If this is the kind of game plan that Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt comes up with after an extra week to prepare, then he should look for a different job. Like maybe the guy who empties the spit buckets from a boxing gym? Mainly because his game plan wasn’t worth spit. So the SheHawks beat the Cardinals is that a stretch? Not really…
Final Score the Cardinals 10 the SheHawks 22. Really was this really a game or did someone in the NFL just make this up on a sound stage in Los Angeles??
No we will talk about the Chargers. How do you let Tom Brady and his Rapunzel like hair come to your town and win? Before the game Tom was overheard on the sidelines talking on his cell phone. “Yeah it is pretty cool in So Cal. But there are a lot more foreigners than I thought that there would be. And they are kind of dirty. Well yeah exactly, at least they are not Hawaiian. I mean that would be terrible. What? Oh I guess Hawaiians aren’t foreigners are they? But they are dirty for sure.”
Final Score the Pats 23 the Chargers 20. Stay Classy San Diego and possibly with a new coach???
And in the final day game we had an old AFL Matchup as the Oakland Raiders took on the Denver Bronco’s with TIM TEBOW. Let’s see how TIM TEBOW did. Well TIM TEBOW didn’t have a fumble and he didn’t throw an interception. But he didn’t have a completion either, nor did he attempt a pass. After the game he had last week you would think that he would have gotten into the game a play or two. But alas this game was so close that even TIM TEBOW couldn’t get on the field.
Final Score the Raiders 59 the Bronco’s 14. Good God how far out of hand does the Game have to be for TIM TEBOW to get in???
And Finally on Sunday the old man came home. Well in the first half the Viqueens came out and played like they had a chance to win. But after halftime and all the adjustment Brad Childress made the Viqueens find themselves behind. And even the unretireable Brett Favre couldn’t bring them back. Does anyone else besides us think that this is what the Viqueens were counting on when they went to Mississippi to get their legend quarterback to come back for one more season? We don’t think so. We think that they thought that the old man would lead them to the promise land. The land of milk and honey has turned into Vicodin and alcohol. The days of describing Brett’s long passes down field for scores now mean that he texted some former female coworker a naked picture of himself. Is this the way he wants to be remembered? Well it is the way we will remember him…
Final Score the Viqueens 24 the Packers 28. Does any else think the packers name is funny?
And finally the game everyone wanted to see. The home of Superbowl 45 we never did learn Roman numerals in school, we just assumed it was some kind of metric number and decided we didn’t need to learn that. Not a good Idea when we were 11 huh? Ellie was overheard in the Locker room after the game “Hey Mom is dad there? I really need to talk to him, we won the game and I want to talk to him about it.” Then from the other end of the phone he heard “well he was here but I think he went out around 7, He something about going somewhere and watching something, now what was that?” Ellie excitedly asked “Was it a Sports Bar to watch my game?” “Oh no… I don’t think so he was going to see Peyton, and Justin I think he said, to watch some old commercials and maybe [play some ping pong) Do you have a message for him I might see him in a little while when he gets back?” “Mom is Dad avoiding me? He never seems to be around when I call?” “Well your dad is a busy man son, he has lots of things going on, you know real high level secret stuff. He is a secret agent you know. “Ellie hung up and tried to keep a stiff upper lip but everyone could see the disappointment in his eyes.
Final Score the G-Aints 41 the Cowgirls 35. Looks like no Superbowl again for the Cowgirls.
Well that should just about do it for this week. We hope that you appreciate the effort this week; it has been a long one. But we will be back next week with more…
Remember like we always say…
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
And cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war,
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl, Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
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