Stroll down the NFL Boulevard 2010 Week 5

Stroll down the NFL Boulevard
Week 5 2010

Well good morning everyone. Wow what a week. And we now have another one in the books. First up let’s talk about who didn’t play, well at least the ones who weren’t supposed to play, the Dolphins, Bill Bella-cheat’s Patriots didn’t play either, the SheHawks were like a Brunette on Saturday night, (no action ), and big Ben Roethlisberger had one more high school homecoming queen to dance with this week. So with that out of the way... Expo are you ready? We are ready over here… then let’s do it!!!

Okay let’s start at the bottom and how fitting that the bottom is Carolina. Last week Da Bears had a terrible game. This week with Jay Cutler out of the game they turned to their trusty Boo Boo, trying to catch lightning in a bottle so let’s look at what Todd Collins did. 6 for 16 for 32 yards with 4 interceptions… OH MY GOD is this right??? He had a quarterback rating of 6.3??? Holy Crap. We have seen better effort by kindergarten kids trying to tie their own shoes before recess. And what do we say about the Panthers? Jimmy “The Pickle” Clausen was so good that Head coach John Fox put Matt Moore back in the game. He went 9 for 22 for 61 yards with an interception. Talk about a hideous game to watch, this has to win something??? How about the crappy game on Fox…
Final Score Da Bears 23 the Panthers 6. Well nobody was watching anyway…

Up Next we head to the great state of Michigan. Oh wait Michigan isn’t that great is it? Well Sam Bradford thought the best way to hide from the Lions defense was to make out like this was Halloween. So he dressed up like little Bo Peep. He had all his Ewes standing around then they let the Lions in the Stadium and the mauling ensued. While on the offense the only thing that Ewes could do was watch as Bo Peep and Danny Amendola played catch. With 12 Catches it appears that Danny is Bo Peep’s favorite target. Julius Peterson favorite target was Bo Peep. Peterson called to all his other defensive buddy’s “Hey you got to come feel this little soft patch of fur. It is right here under Bo Peep’s skirt.”
Final Score the Ewes 6 the Lions 44. Like Lambs being lead to slaughter. Oh and the Ewes are the Birth Canal team of the week.

Up next the reality check for the Chiefs came at the hands of the Indianapolis Colts. In a field Goal kicking contest both quarterbacks just sat on the sidelines. With Adam Venatieri beating Ryan Succop 4 to 3 until big stupid Mike Hart had to run in a touchdown. That clinched the game for the Colts. Okay we know. Now raise your hand if you really thought that the Kansas City Chiefs were going to win? We didn’t think there was anybody out there. After the game Peyton Manning was overheard saying “Hey why can’t I get on those Oreo Cakester Commercials with my brother?” to which head coach Jim Caldwell replied “Well if you would quit playing ping pong and taking tours of Sony with Justin Timberlake, you might.”
Final Score the Chiefs 9 the Colts 19. The Chiefs are the worst 3 and 1 team in the league.

Houston you have a problem. And it all starts and ends with Matt Schaub. Houston thought it was poised to take the next step as a franchise. However it looks like their next step is right back to .500 again. Maybe that is where they belong. The G-aints quarterback Ellie Manning had another stellar day racking up 3 more touchdowns and 2 more interceptions…. And let us look… nope no passes left handed today so we guess that is good. In the locker room after the game Ellie was heard on his Cell phone “Okay that hooded Menace is not Matt Schaub, so tell Shaq there is no reason to come to Houston.” Later he called his mom and was overheard telling her. “But Mom we won the game in Houston when we played here so that means that I am better right?” then his expression changed from a smile to a frown has the sound from cell phone came… “No son, I like you, but your Dad still thinks your brother is better than you. But your dad likes Justin Timberlake better than you too… “Too many left handed passes we guess.
Final Score the G-aints 34 the Texans 10. Why does that Oreo Cakester thing wear a headband? Does it really sweat that much?

Well here we are in Cleveland. Sorry but if the Falldowns had to come here then so do we. Whatever the question is we know the Eric Mangenius is not the answer. He has not had an answer since he was like in the second grade and the teacher asked him “What color is the grass?” Little Eric Confidently raised his hand and when called on he answered “Red.” The Teacher asked “Why do you think it is red? “ And he answered “Well our Quarterbacks keep getting hurt, we look like a MASH unit out there.” Oh wait maybe it wasn’t his second grade teacher; it was his press conference after the game. Anyway he still is not the answer.
Final Score the Falldowns 20 the Brown Stains 10. Sometimes we feel like we are in a Coors Light Commercial…

Up next we will talk about the Buccan game. Who would have thought that with 2 minutes left in the game and the Bunguls up 7 points that the Lead was safe? Well let’s back up a minute or so. With 3 minutes to go the Bunguls have the ball and are coming on the 2 minute warning. They decide to pass the ball. Hey we agree there are only 3 things that can happen right? 1. The ball falls harmlessly to the ground for an incompletion that stops the clock and you punt the ball forcing the Buc’s to drive the length of the field to get 10 points in the last 2 minutes of the game. 2. There is an interference penalty on the defense at which point the Bunguls get a first down and run the clock out (Cedric Benson had rushed for 144 yards on the day). 3. The ball gets thrown and is intercepted and it sets up the Buc’s at the 50 yard line. 52 seconds run off the clock and the game is tied. Nice play calling Coach Marvin Lewis. Well we see that you don’t learn from your mistakes because with 1:21 left in the game you are throwing the ball again and we only know of 3 things that can happen…
Final Score the Bunguls 21 the Buc’s 24. Really?!? Really?!? Do we have to go over this again???

Up next we find that the TIM TEBOW lead Denver Bronco’s headed to Baltimore home of the Ravens. Before the game a couple of the Raven Linebackers were talking about TIM TEBOW, when Ray Lewis walked up. He asked the question”What number is TIM TEBOW? I have been looking him for on the film and can’t find him.” “Hey Ray what are you going to do to him if you find him?” Lewis was asked. He replied “I am going to squeeze him till I get some Red Bull. You know TIM TEBOW sweat is the Active ingredient in Red Bull.” We think he will have to chase TIM TEBOW around to get him to sweat because he is not getting on the field at all…
Final Score the Bronco’s 17 the Ravens 31 TIM TEBOW 0. Hopefully the Bronco’s will be bad enough for TEBOW to get in a game soon.

In a rare Momentary Lapse of Reason the Buffalo Sabers played on Saturday and found that the N.Y.H.R (NEW YORK HOCKEY RANGERS) were a tough team… What? Well we thought that the Bills were riding the Maid of the Mist boat tour, well maybe not. We do know that Buffalo maybe the best winless team in the NFL. But that is like being voted the boy with the “Sweetest smile” in an all boy high school. And that is just creepy. No big Ben we don’t need your comment here
Final Score the Jags 36 the Bills 26. Is there anything else to say about this one??? We didn’t think so.

This week Mister Rogers Neighborhood went on the road to Washington. They are still looking for a neighbor, won’t you be one? We will not, we don’t like the sweaters or those crazy shoes? Okay so Donavan McNabb always needed a hug in Philadelphia. We guess he is getting one from Mike Shanahan because Donavan is playing like he did several years ago. His Offensive prowess allowed the Deadskins to punt 5 times on their first 5 possessions before kicking a FG just before Half. Then to start the second half his drives ended in 2 punts and his last drive of the third quarter ended in a turnover on downs. Wow that is 7 punts did you counts them like we did 7 punts ha ha ha… Opps sorry we just channeled the count there from Sesame Street and we were talking about the Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Then in the fourth quarter he had 3 drives that totaled 155 yards of the 373 yards for the day.
Final Score the Packers 13 the Deadskins 16. Maybe Graham Gano should get a hug he did win the game for them in overtime.

And now for a report on the Greatest Running back in the history of the NFL Reggie Bush. He didn’t play because he has a broken leg. And the Aints lost again. They really don’t look like the same as they did last year? Did Sean Peyton forget how to coach? Did Drew Brees forget how to throw the ball? Are they really two touchdowns worse than the Ari-Freaking-Zona Cardinals Really? We don’t think so. So this must be Reggie Bush’s fault. It can be no one else’s can it? We don’t think so. So without Reggie Bush the Aints Came out strong and finished up weak. We did love the way Beanie Wells played for the Cardinal. 20 carries for 35 yards, what were you using a cane??? If that doesn’t spell S U C K we don’t know how to spell it.
Final Score the Aints 20 the Cardinals 30. Hang on let us spell check that word, just to make sure…

And now let us take a look at Norv Turner and his band of misfits, nerds, and retards. Good God is anyone coaching the Special Teams for the Chargers? Well Steve Crosby is listed as the coach but we think that this guy must be blind, deaf and dumb. Getting a punt blocked for a touchdown is a terrible thing. Getting two punts blocked in the first quarter is like getting bitten by a snake on your man parts twice. We t that the Chargers are snake Bit Phillip “Old Man” Rivers is trying his best but his best just isn’t good enough when he has to fight his own special teams. However two fumbles from his hands didn’t do much help his cause. As for Oakland’s Tom Cable, he should be thanking his lucky stars that his team was the benefactor of 16 points from the Chargers. It looks like the Jason Campbell experiment is back up and active, even though Bruce Gradkowski got hurt Campbell might have played well enough to win the job. We were told that the Raiders had beaten the Chargers for the first time in thirteen attempts. Too bad it took two blocked punts, and three fumbles.
Final Score The Chargers 27 the Raiders 35. Another week of this and Chris Burke from “Life goes on” will be the Special teams coach for the Chargers. Go Corky!!!

And lastly we get to the Cowgirl game. From what we have seen this team is not very good. They have some people who have talent, but in this case the sum of the parts is less than the individual pieces. Cowgirl Quarterback Tony Romo had the perfect quote “Good teams overcome these kinds of mistakes.” Nice Sound bite, however good teams don’t make these kinds of mistakes, you Jackass… Not to nice to have a team gain a hundred yards you, even worse to give up over a hundred yards in penalties. There were more flags on the field in that stadium than what there would have been if a dozen belly dancers doing the dance of the seven veils at halftime. Watching this game was like grading a calculus test completed by first graders. You want to give them something for the effort, but you want to kick them for trying to do something they can’t do, and right now the Cowgirls can’t win a game to save their coaches life. Hey Wade start looking for a life boat because your Titanic is going down fast. You are Tarnishing the good name of O.A “Bum” Phillips.Final Score the Titans 34 the Cowgirls 27. Oh wait hey Wade maybe you should have been named “Bum” your team is sure playing like one, or a wino we really can’t tell.
And lastly on Sunday night the Beagles traveled across the country and found a very hospitable team in the 49ers. On the sidelines before the game Beagles Quarterback Kevin Kolb was talking to 49er quarterback Alex Smith. “Hey man it must be nice for you here in San Francisco. You don’t have to worry about being replaced.” “Well” Alex replied “It is not all peaches and cream over here in the land of fruits and nuts. Now I have David Carr backing me up, which is lot like having a militia army made of fourth graders carrying pea shooters. I could get pulled, but I am going to be going back in soon because I am better than him.” “Wow you have the life.” said Kolb “I on the other hand have to watch my step and make sure that my backup doesn’t drown me in the shower after the game.” Well we can tell you that San Francisco might be the only winless team in the NFC Wes that has a chance to win its division, which isn’t saying much. Alex Smith should be looking over his shoulder or David Carr might just drive over him.
Final Score the Beagles 27 the 49ers 24. How much longer is Kevin Kolb going to have his job?

And for the Final game of the week the Viqueens went to NEW JERSEY to play the J E T S in a driving rain storm. They had everything they needed, Adrian Peterson who rushed for 88 yards on 18 carries, Randy Moss who had 4 catches for 81 yards and a touchdown. And they had the Unretireable Brett Favre. Brett has played so long in the league he has all the records, like the most touchdown passes, the most completion yards, the most interceptions thrown, the most fumbles, the most times retired and the most time unretired. He also holds a couple more unofficial records, like most games ending with an interception, and most times sexting himself to former J E T Employees. Hey even Mark Sanchez admired that record.
Final Score the Viqueens 20 the J E T S 29. Okay so what is gray shriveled up, and on your phone? A naked picture of Brett Favre’s… Well you know.


Well that should just about do it for this week. We hope you have enjoyed this week as much as we have. Time is flying by this season so keep on reading and we will keep on typing. We would like to dedicate this issue to that person out who makes us laugh. We think you know who you are…
And remember like we always say…..

Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong, but bye
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up
When you fall
Who's gonna hang it up
When you call
Who's gonna pay attention
To your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears
When you scream
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down
When you shake
Who's gonna come around
When you break
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight
Oh you know you can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight